Feeling down and conflicted right now... coming to the realization of being ACoA ... I mean I've known it my whole life, but I had no idea that my ways, my everyday habits, my emotional rollercoasters, my insecurities, my seemingly inept ability to have a healthy relationship of any sort all stems from this- I have always just buried my head in the proverbial sand and went through my days just trying to survive... still just trying to survive- only now I realize that I must learn to thrive... I grew up in Las Vegas, the oldest of 8 siblings between my mom and stepdad (I was the only one that wasn't his biological child).. both of them come from heavily dysfunctional alcoholic homes... I cant even begin to start with what I saw, and experienced as a child... First and foremost- I was the caretaker. I was the kid leading he kids. I was the one singing them lullabys at night, playing games with them during the day, making sure they ate, went to school, cleaning up after them... I remember thinking "I can take what ever they want to dish out so long as they don't mess with my brothers and sisters"... I took my moms vial of cocaine to school when I was 10, and gave it to my DARE officer...can you imagine the look on his face when he pulled that balled up piece of paper out of the anonymous box? Priceless. I was going on drug deals for my parents at the tender age of 12... at 13, after a long day at school, and then babysitting and cleaning- my parents were at the casino...it was midnight and they come stumbling in, I was finishing up the dinner dishes, all the kids were asleep- my mom says that 2 women cant live in the same house and it was time for me to go- they handed me a one-hundred dollar bill, would not let me take anything that "they had provided"... so it was me, my school books, the night gown on my back and my bare feet on the Las Vegas city streets... after a few days they allowed me back inside...but only b/c they needed me to babysit. This cycle continued over and over and over again.. I never knew what to expect, I carried EVERYTHING in my backpack.. a clean change of clothes, a toothbrush etc.. never knowing if I would have a place to stay on any given night. I invested a lot of time at school- straight A's, Honor Society, student council. leadership, softball, theater, choir...anything that would keep me away from home for as long as possible... in a way- my escape only allowed them to keep their horrible secrets... once again, I came to the rescue...