Not sure if I can keep going back like this... it's making a lot of sense to me with a whole 20/20 perspective, but it's entirely too painful... fast-forward to now... I am 34, been married to my first ever boyfriend for 15 years, we have 3 amazing boys - ages 13, 10, and 8 who are my entire world... I had been estranged from my parents for 12 of the 15 years, they dropped me off in North Carolina at the age of 17, I met my husband and my entire family moved on to Iowa... my husband is an addict- surprised? Of course, not... He is not a raging addict like my parents, he keeps to himself... when I met him he only smoked pot, which I was fine with... never much of a drinker, which I was also fine with... after the birth of our oldest Son, I found out he was using cocaine... we separated for a bit, then reconciled - he continued to use.. I being alone, with a little one dove head first into church- which in and of itself was a new experience for me... God doesn't like divorces, and if you pray long enough, hard enough if you keep yourself straight - He will fix it, right? Eventually my husband did get off cocaine, he had back surgery and moved right into pain pills... 4 years ago he was at the peak of his pill usage- snorting oxycontin, I was DONE... I felt more alone than ever... I googled "how to know when your marriage is over"...he came home from work, did his routine history check, caller ID check, and noticed I had searched for relationship help... next thing I knew he was in the bathroom with a gun to his head... I fled to the neighbors home w/ our kids... I packed our things, and moved to Iowa, to be with a forgotten dysfunction.... what the **** was I thinking??!! My husband followed, he DID stop the pills and was very apologetic for his weaknesses... My family that blames him for everything, and he blames them for everything and I was stuck in the middle of all these people that I love so much that tear me apart every moment of every day... I don't know what to do- I have NEVER invested any time in myself and I don't have a clue as to what I want, or who I am or how to get there...and it is now all coming to head- to one big fat realization that I am so very very lost... and I have never felt more insecure, more unsure than I do right now... I have done a very good job of hiding all of this from my kids, hiding all of this from the world around me... coming to the rescue for others when I am drowning myself...