I go back and forth between my apartment and my S/O's. Every two or three days I'm switching. He is in failing health, and I am his caretaker when he needs help. We weren't happy living together, so we split up 7 years ago, but remained the closest of friends. He's not terminally ill, but he is very frail. Past two weeks, I've been going over to help him shower because even that is getting to be too much for him.

I'm home at my place now, and have things I need to attend to here. (Doing taxes, housework of my own, etc.) The past few times that I've come home, I've gotten nothing done. I've become very depressed and just stay in bed, look at the TV, or read stuff on-line. I came back to my place last night, and I've done nothing constructive today at all.

Partly, I'm in grief over his loss of health. Partly, I'm in grief over the prospect of losing him. He is really my only friend. What family I have are very far away. I don't think that I will even visit my family this year because I don't want to leave him alone. I'm not that close with family anyway.

Just typing these lines has me very upset. I am seriously depressed. When I am with him and doing things at his place, I feel kind of happy and purposeful. Here at my place, I am just getting sucked down into an endless hole. I could go back to his place tonight, but I don't want to do that either. There is nothing special for me to do there tonight, so I would just sit in front of the TV there, or try to read. He goes to bed quite early, and I would sit up alone feeling dreary.

So I will stay here tonight. Maybe tomorrow, I will wake up and do better. I can't stop crying right now. Earlier, I did talk to a neighbor who stopped by. The neighbor was a pest. Also, I did telephone an acquaintance and chatted for awhile and agreed we will meet for lunch soon. But I did not really enjoy our talk on the phone. This acquaintance is not a very giving person and has always tended to call me to ask for some favor or other.

I wish my S/O could come to my place for a few days, but we've tried that and he just is not comfortable here. His apartment is handicap-accessible, while mine is awkward for him to get around in.

I feel so bad and I can't seem to find the strength to pull myself together. Every morning I wake up with a lot of discomfort. I need surgery on my foot because my walking is getting more and more painful, but I am putting it off. I have pain med that usually gets me feeling pretty comfortable, but I use it sparingly. (It is hydrocodone.) I have awful muscle soreness/stiffness that gets better in the afternoon. Until it eases, I can not do too much. I got it under control today, and then I got nothing done.

I am losing the only real friend I've ever had. I am becoming hysterical at times alone in my apartment. Still, I feel I need a break from being at his place, after a few days there.

My PCP made me choose between pain medication and some psych meds I was on. I don't dare ask my psychiatrist to put me back on the meds I got off of (Ritalin and Restoril.) That would cause my regular doctor to stop the Vicocin (hydrocodone) that is more important to me. I don't feel either one of them has any idea how awful I'm feeling. It's like there is no one for me to turn to.