I'm just gonna go out and list bulletpoints of what's going on with me right now.

-in college currently junior year
-placed on academic probation because had my first job last semester and put more priority on my job
-still at said job and mostly hate it since it keeps interfering with my school work alot
-kinda lagging behind in said classes, there's a chance I might get kicked out if I don't get my grades up
-trying to get grades up now but job keeps putting me to work on the worst days (like for example they want me to work today from 4pm to 11pm when I have a test I need to study for tomorrow and going in at 7am)
-having to stay up late to complete various assignments....just feel so tired most of the time and stressed out
-try to get invested in new hobbies to help with self-esteem and happiness but can barely get moments to invest in them fully. They help block out problems for a quick second then I remember my issues again
-really scared about family finding out about my near academic probation, they constantly think I'm lazy and don't try most of the time
-next test and projects are due with alot riding on them this week before spring break
-things with friends go smoothly then kinda go downhill from time to time as plans don't always seem to work out
-not doing well at making new friends, it seems to just get harder for me
-considered ending my life on multiple occasions even hoping someone would try to rob my store so I could have a chance of dying
-try to dismiss thoughts and look for brighter alternatives, it worked for a while but it keeps building up

I really am at a standstill of what to do. Most of the time these days I just want to sit down and study my notes or have a quiet evening but everyone in my house keeps arguing and fighting....

I really consider turning to drinking to help null my pain because I just feel like breaking down and crying. I know alcohol won't help and it just sickens myself even more that I considered it. I'm just so disgusted with myself for almost everything that's crossed my mind....alcohol....suicide.....

I just want to feel like for a brief second....for a brief moment that I don't have to worry about anything but it keeps hitting me in the *** each time...