I've been struggling quite a bit over the last couple weeks. It kinda maxed out this week and yesterday in particular. Horrible. I felt truely horrible yesterday. Was seriously contemplating sending him a txt message which would have been something like:

'I hurt. Its okay, I don't expect you to respond. I just wanted to let you know. It is all Bob's fault.'

(Where that last bit was dubious, but it helped me to think that lol).

But I didn't. And today I've made a rather massive determined effort to take a shower and get myself the hell out of my room.

I'm going to do at least 4 hours of work today.
Then I'm going to go grocery shopping and get some fruit and veges and healthy stuff. Then I'm going to make myself a nice smoothie and do some exercise tonight.

What is this about? Fear of intimacy. I haven't managed to explicitly tell him that I'm starting to feel vulnerable and attached to him. But I have managed to say (in a slightly abstract way) that I'm afraid of intimacy in general and I really hate feeling vulnerable and attached.

He gets it. I think that is why he has been so good with my sort of diverting / stabotaging / defending in the last couple of sessions. I didn't want to talk about the vulnerable feelings. So I talked about feeling like my body was alien and I talked about... %#@&#!... What did I talk about last time? That I was finding it hard to get motivated with my work. He said something about how it wasn't such good timing that he was taking next month off. That he would sort out one of his email addresses and that we could have email contact. I said 'thats okay' in a small voice. I do that. Thats okay that he's going away. Thats okay that we can't have a session because his car broke down. Thats okay that my father is leaving me with my abusive mother because *he* can't stand to be with her anymore. I understand where they are coming from, that is what I mean to convey with that. I don't want them to feel bad / guilty because of me. That is what I mean to convey with that. Because... If they perceive me to be making them feel worse then they will only want to get the hell away from me more than they probably already do.

But he was doing okay.

Told him a bit about Bob too. About how one expresses vulnerability and then... What? Unconscious revulsion? Well... I didn't say that about the unconscious revulsion. But I did say about how you express vulnerability and then the inevitable rejection.

And it was safer than talking about my Dad. And it is fresher somehow and as such it is easier for me to feel wound up / hurt about it. And I'm having trouble with the balance between feeling and getting lost again. And I figure the getting lost is becoming something of a defence.

I remember sessions used to be really hard with one of my psychologists. They would typically result in my curling up into the fetal position with my face burrowed into my thighs and I'd dissociate for a good hour. I was trying so hard not to do that with my DBT therapist but about three sessions in I was starting to put my arm across my face so she couldn't see me. And getting all mumbly... And she said 'you know it is really hard to do therapy when you put your arm across your face like that. So what I'm going to do is I'll tell you when it is happening and then I can leave the room for a few minutes so you are better able to get your feelings under control'. I sat up immediately and it never happened again. Lol. Bizzarre kinda. It was about intense emotion. But yeah, I need something like that to help snap me out of it. Maybe I could tell him that by email.

But he has started to appreciate that email is really important to me (and I'm not so keen on phone). And that boards are important too... And maybe that... Letting me ramble (defend) is okay because I will come at something hard even though it might be sideways. He can trust me on that.

It is hard though.

Sorry for raving. Thanks if you made it this far.