Hi there,
I understand some of you will judge me after reading this story, and I understand that completely. But I'm hoping to get some good, practical advice or just a clear view I suppose, cause I'm a bit lost.

A few months ago I met someone at work and instantly fell head over heels in love. We got assigned to work on a project together so I was over the moon. When I (would) stand next to him, I wouldn't even hear other people talking. He's no flirt or supermodel, but I can't stop thinking about him. Besides me being in love with him, he was always there for me whenever I needed help at work or was worried about something. He always knows how to comfort me by saying I don't need to worry (I always worry about everything...)

I never thought those feelings were mutual, cause his wife was about to give birth to their 3rd child. Until about 2 months ago, when he asked if should meet up for a drink.... "This shouldn't happen", he said, but we met up, kissed and started seeing each other more often. It was hard for us to focus on work and I know I haven't had a proper night sleep ever since (not exagerating!) I felt so in love, stressed out, guilty, sleep deprived and told my colleague we couldn't go on like this. Especially since we agreed he would never leave his family. I told him I wanted a date, until then and then we'd leave each other alone. He got reassigned to another project because I was able to finish the initial one by myself, so that was a good thing.

Two weeks went by, but then we had an appointment for work together. He wanted to go for a drink afterwards to talk about things. I agreed, but just to talk. After our meeting he tried to kiss me, I pushed him away but could only do that once. He's like a drug to me... or I'm just too stupid I dont know.
Anyway, I was still so stressed out and had sleeping issues that I started to develop more physical problems. I went to the doctor and turned out something really is wrong with me. 3 weeks later, I got diagnosed with a disease that they're not able to cure (I'm 25 btw) I won't die from this but I'm gonna need loads of medications to hopefully slow down the disease. Although the disease was inevitable (it has apperantly always been in my system) but probably became active due to stress and lack of sleep...

By now, my colleague has become like my best friend, he calls me every day to ask if I'm okay and tries to help wherever he can. He worries about me, loves me and really supports me. After I heard the doctor's news, he was the first person I called and I feel I wouldn't have been able to handle it without him. I asked him if we could please just be friends, but we just can't do it.

Last week, he wanted to come by my place (I can never say no). I told him, in the heat of the moment but also via the phone earlier, that I can never sleep with him because I won't be able to deal with that (and it's just crazy). "Let't just try it, just once, I love you so much, I want to be with you". So yeah, I caved, I was afraid to disappointment him. He didn't want to use any protection, and I'm angry at myself for agreeing to that. I'm not on birthcontrol and am not allowed to have kids for the next few years because of this disease and the meds. I also told him that but he didn't really respond. He told me to get a morning after pil, which kind of felt like a *****slap. (I told him so often I want to have a baby so bad, preferably his, even though I know that's not an option!)

I'm confused, he wants to meet up again next week. I can't go through this disease without him (heavy treatment for another 3 months) and I love him so much. But I do notice that I feel sicker (physically) every time we've met up.

And I also don't understand why he doesn't feel guilty?! I'm so confused and feel like a lost little girl whenever he winks at me and tells me I look beautiful. I know the only answer is to call it quits, but I wish we could just be friends since we understand each other so well.

Please someone talk some sense into me?!
xxx