I'm wondering if I'm alone in this. I was always a very tidy, organized person. I always kept my flat very neat and tidy, never had a dirty dish in the sink for more than a few hours, etc. My mother was messy when I was a kid and I was always cleaning up after her. I needed things around me to be neat and organized in order for me to feel relaxed. External visual chaos equalled internal chaos for me.

In 2004, I started taking Celexa as a treatment for agoraphobia and panic attacks. It helped a lot with the agoraphobia and panic attacks and within 6 months I was well enough to go back to work, but something strange happened after I started taking it. After I was on it for a few weeks, my perfectly tidy flat started getting messy. It started off slowly. I went away for a weekend, came home and dropped my suitcase in the middle of the living room floor. It stayed there (unpacked) for 4 months. I would just walk around it. It would probably still be there if my niece hadn't asked to borrow it for a trip. I thought it was a side effect of Celexa -- my "inertia" pill, but I went off Celexa about a year ago, and was on no ADs until I started taking Lexapro about 5 weeks ago. The laziness and messiness stayed with me, though.

I stopped cooking around the time I started taking Celexa too. I eat take-out or frozen microwaveable dinners because I know I won't wash dishes if they get dirty. My cat eats off paper plates and I use plastic utensils.

I went back to work in January of 2005. I've been working since then and have recently started an even busier, more demanding job. I'm very organized and competent at work. I'm a Communications Coordinator, so I'm multi-tasking all day and I have to be extremely organized. I do it very well. I look very well-groomed and well put together. I have lovely clothes, my nails are always done, my hair is always perfect. My purse always matches my shoes. My office is neat and tidy. No one would ever imagine that my home is a disaster area. I don't invite friends over any more and it takes me longer than before to get ready in the morning because I waste time trying to find things because nothing is where it should be.

I hardly ever clean up and my flat has been a mess most of the time since the fall of 2004. I do things like leaving the box from a new tube of toothpaste in the sink for a week, stepping over shoes that are dropped in the middle of the living room floor, leaving clean laundry in bags for months -- never putting it away, just taking things out as I need them. I still haven't unpacked my suitcase from a trip I took in August! I feel stressed and overwhelmed when I look at the mess and the thought of someone dropping by unexpectedly to visit me scares me. There's no way I could let anyone (other than my parents and my sister) in here to see this disaster. It's my dirty (very dirty) little secret. My flat is very small. That's part of the reason I always kept it so tidy; organization was essential with so little space to work with. I also have white floors, so I used to wash them every 2nd day. Now I just have seagrass rugs over the floor so I can't see the dirt. Once in a while (very rarely), I get up some energy and decide I'm going to start tackling the mess, but I get overwhelmed so quickly. I don't know where to start and I can't figure out where to put everything. I feel like I have lost the ability to clean and organize. I don't understand it. I was a neat, tidy, organized person for 34 years... and now I'm a slob. I'm still neat, tidy and organized at work. Why can't I bring that home with me? Has this happened to anyone else? I'm not depressed. I don't have a major problem with anxiety anymore, but I'm so damn lazy when I'm at home. I hate the mess. Messy, chaotic surroundings still bother me and make me feel unsettled and interfere with my ability to concentrate, so living in a messy place stresses me out. I don't know how to clean it up and keep it clean, though. I don't know how to snap out of this.

About 6 months ago, my landlord called to say he was going to have an appraiser drop in and see my flat. I was in a total panic. It was the kick in the *** I needed and I spent two full days cleaning. It was very hard and stressful getting it clean, but I did it and the place looked lovely for the appraiser's visit. So, I know I'm capable. I got it all neat and tidy and clean and felt so good about it. I was determined to keep it that way. Within a few weeks, it was a mess again, though. It was like the mess materialized without me even noticing. I don't know how to MAKE myself clean it up again, though. It seems like I need something external (like an appraiser visiting) to get me in motion. I want to clean up this mess, but I can't make myself do it. It feels impossible and it's on my mind a lot. I hate it.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice?