I feel exactly the same way as you. I've tried really hard to fit in over the years in vain... because I wanted to be a part of things or be normal or whatever. Always ended up feeling stupid and weird. But now I've accepted I'm socially strange and sick of feeling awkward in front of people and I've just accept it isn't worth it for me so I'm mostly a recluse. In retrospect I've been faking it in front of others for a long time (still do when I have to socialize, wearing "the mask").

I feel judged all the time - when I'm watchin TV and I can hear my neighbors laughing on the porch I feel judged like they're laughing at me.