glad someone asked this. last night, boyfriend, his mom, and i went over to their neighbors for a potluck and watched some movies. in the past, i would be thrilled to go to an social event. i would back then back out of it last minute because my social skills are still not up to par well they were bad back then. at the potluck, i was quiet doing a lot of hmm with the neighbor and i felt so stupid. sometimes people ramble not letting you get a say so in which happens to me a lot.

i have been practicing a lot rebuilding my social skills back to par i sometimes do okay and other times i am in a daze. i used to be very outgoing and i can't even give someone direct eye contact. i stutter, my sentences get out of order, i am like a daze, i still answer with one word answers at times, and i get this inner voice of leave me alone don't bother me, etc. i became a mute because of verbal abuse at home and i am like monotone and my voice gets quiet.

i would huddle around my boyfriend or by myself when there's other company and i am not sure how to act. i was sheltered in my life and still am kinda but i miss the company of people. i used to make friends easily in the past and now it seems i can't do that because people say i am mysterious. hey, there's things about me that's history and there's nothing interesting about my past life it's all dark who wants to hear that? i have been surrounding myself with outgoing people yet i still find myself hiding in a corner.

i have heard people say how they rehearse what they have to say. to me and this only me, i feel like rehearsing is like for a play. i am not rehearsing for when i need to speak to people, this is real life not a play/movie that i am doing. i just don't like how some people tell me rehearse what you have to say. people say how people didn't wanna be around me because i always looked depressed and i did, not sure about today. small talk about certain things i am not sure what to say just a lot of hmm or mmm.

i want to be a part of people's lives and then back out mostly because people gave up on me, treating me like an outcast which they still do, and me not trusting people for what's happen to me in the past. i don't know i feel i do a lot of daydreaming not really hearing everything around me. people say i am too slow to understand anything like i have autism or something, yea, that's how they treat me like some special ed person. i still have anxiety issues i keep it in my throat, tummy, and chest need to go back to breathing exercises. i just get startled very easily which spikes it up...