I'm never going to see LCM from 9 to 5 every day ever again. I'm not going to wake up in the morning to the smell of her making tea again. I'm not going to wait at the door, excited for "mommy" to come home and then fight the urge to run up and hug her like an overexcited 4 year old. She's never going to talk to me every day, face to face, be there when I cry. Take me on random walks with no prior planning. It's never going to happen again. My mind can't seem to accept that. It's been months since I came out of residential, but for some weird reason, my mind just can't stop thinking that I'm going to go back. That I'm going to be her daughter and see her everyday when the reality is that's just never going to happen again. I keep expecting things to go back to the way they were but they can't.

I worry that she is attaching to other clients more than me just because she doesn't see me everyday anymore. I worry that she doesn't miss me anymore. That she found a replacement daughter that she likes better than me. It's only a matter of time.

But I know I'm special. She talks to me all the time. She works with me post discharge. She's still here for me and I have a hard time understanding why she would go to the trouble. I love her so much. She means everything to me. I just really hope I still mean something to her even though she hasn't given me anything to worry about. Last time we talked, she was loving and kind. I'm upset over nothing. I'm overtired and hormonal. That's the problem. But I still love her. Mommy. Pretend mommy. The mom who won't hurt me I don't think.