Quote:
Originally Posted by Yearning0723
Well, I guess it might be a stretch to say I deserved it, since they had the choice to be the bigger person - but so did I, and I definitely provoked it. I did some really crazy things as a kid that if I hadn't done wouldn't have resulted in being hurt. Like this one time I wanted to talk to my father about something (probably something anxiety related, since it usually was) and he was really not responding well - he was just repeating everything I said back to me in a really mocking tone, and then he was like, "Okay, I'm going back to work, bye." And I was like, "No, you're not going to work; you're going to listen to me."
So I stood in front of the door and I wouldn't move no matter how many times he told me to, so he grabbed my wrist to try to pull me away and he was holding it really tightly, so tightly it left bruises later, and I wanted him to let go of me so I bit him. And that was not a good response, obviously, and if I hadn't been standing in front of the door it wouldn't have happened to begin with. And in that specific case he walked out the door and I followed him, and I guess whatever it was about was so huge to me that I went out and sat on top of the car, and he started the car anyway and starting backing it up and forth really quickly so I would fall off.
I mean, I was a really erratic kid. The anxiety was just insane. Normal kids don't act like that. If I got hurt, most of the time I'd done something to elicit that response.
I always felt really guilty and ashamed when I reacted violently to him, but that never stopped me from doing it...
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But do you realize that you were a kid and it is a parental responsibility to take care of their child, ESPECIALLY when erratic behavior exists? I mean depression, anxiety, bipolar, and I'm sure others could most definitely exist in children. Any of these things could have been the cause for this behavior and it was their duty to get you help! To let a doctor know, ask for advice, read a parenting book, something, ANYTHING.....Y
This makes me sad for you because I know the feeling! I blamed myself for many of the things I experienced and thought it was because I was awful and unbearable and deserved all of it. Now, when I look back at it, I remember being extremely quiet, full of anxiety and worries, insecure, etc. and I went through a period of resenting my caretakers for NOT getting me help...I should have been in therapy for a good amount of time as a child. No one was upfront and honest about my situation to my doctors.
And to think I could be a completely different adult today and in therapy for maintenance rather than trying to fix 20 years worth of damage...it is infuriating at times, but it is what it is.
So no, it is still not your fault and nothing you say will make me think you deserved any of that treatment.
