I don't care what I look like. I used to try to the best of my ability and budget, when I was playing drums in a local cover band, but one day (March2nd last year-it's stuck in my head, I showed up for a gig thinking I looked pretty cute in an ironic hipster kind of way, and our lead singer said to me, "Could you get any more slobby?" It just really hurt, and I felt Ike I was trying my best to fit into the "scene". I quit the next day.

Then I quit dying my hair (hey, I EARNED this grey), started cutting it shorter to get the color transition over with faster, and after losing my dog grooming job (because of a meltdown at work), decided to cut it short enough that all I have to do is get out of the shower, scrub it with a towel, and blow-dry. It's not ugly. It does look strange if I put on make-up now since I look more male than female, so I don't know what to do about that. I feel a title bit sorry for my husband that he has such a plain wife to see and be seen with, but he had barely looked at me in so long I don't even remember anyway. And never had a compliment for me (other people did, but not him) when I was trying to look cute, so why bother?

I find the post above ironic, because I think the reason my husband has ZERO sexual interest anymore is because he feels bad about his hair and muscle loss, which are just things that happen with age. He's also insecure about our lack of income, which is really my fault for losing all my jobs.
The overall effect of being rejected by him in that way has been devastating to my psyche. He loves me, and I can tell that he does, and back when I tried to look cute, I got lots of offers (but from other guys -and girls- never from him). All I can deduce from this is that there is something so repulsive about me that he just can't get past it.

So I don't try anymore. Not getting offers from outside my marriage diminishes the pain of never having an offer within it, and only NOT being rejected when I tried to initiate (which was several times a week) maybe 30 times in the last 6 years! So now I just don't care. I don't offer. I can't even "take care of it myself" anymore, because knowing that My own husband doesn't want me pops into my head and ruins it, so now I just cut myself instead. I relieve my frustration and punish myself for being unacceptable at the same time. Two birds-score!

Unfortunately, the sense of sexual frustration and rejection have now followed me into my dreams... There's not even a story-line or pictures in the dreams, just this overwhelming sense that I'm not deserving of even the most basic biological comforts. If I can figure out that I'm dreaming, I wake up just to get away from it. This morning it was 4:30.

So I guess I look gross, but I feel like I'm pretty normal... Maybe I don't have nice things, but I'm reasonably fit, a little pouchie after having birthed 6 live human being individually, but pretty decent overall. Is it possible to have a dysmorphic disorder where you think you look BETTER than you actually do? I mean, I'm a little dumpy, I guess, but I've seen much worse...

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