I finished having regular sessions with my long term T last year. It wasn't a particularly good ending. Over the years we'd had a lot of ruptures. They always got mended - sorted. But always left me feeling criticised for speaking up, invalidated in some ways. Eventually I decided I was all done, to take the good I'd got from it all and quit. She didn't like it!

So I agreed to keep in touch now and then - phoning once every few months. It did make terminating sessions easier for me as I'd been so strongly attached. But now we've managed to have yet another rupture. I'm going to let it go and rise above it - but it has made me realise that no matter how attached I still feel to her and how great my need is for some kind of support and emotional support in my life, it isn't ever going to come from her in a consistently healthy way.

I've felt more pain from my relationship with this T and the torture I've gone through processing and dealing with her reactions sometimes than anything I'm dealing with in my real life. It's utterly ridiculous.

I know we can always learn something from mending ruptures and continuing a relationship. But the fact is, in my real life I don't have any unhealthy relationship problems! I only have a problem with this woman! Any disagreements or problems I come across in my real life relationships I deal with in a healthy way. That's never been a problem to me. That wasn't why I sought therapy.

So I'm asking myself - can I be strong enough to let go of this T completely. I've been so attached to her it hurts to think about. How can I make myself do what I need to do when I know it will feel so painful?

I have no one to replace her with and wouldn't want to - other than real friends and family, and things I love doing that give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. And my personal 'faith' or take on life.

If I really needed help or support I would find it. I wouldn't struggle on. So I'm not deciding I don't want to ask for help. It's not that.

I think I am enough for myself. But am too scared to take the plunge to find out for sure!