I've been seriously suicidal off and on so many times. Most of those times my tdoc wanted me to go to the hospital, but I refused, even saying I would take off if she tried anything. I would usually sign a "contract" with her stating that I agreed not to do anything for the next week and each week I would sign a new contract.

One day, during a session I was so set on ending it; I really could not see myself going on. It hurt too much. My tdoc told me she didn't care what I thought, she was calling an ambulance, I didn't have it in me to fight it and I was hospitalized.

Now I see my tdoc and pdoc once a week. My pdoc always asks if I am suicidal and my standard reply is/was "no". One day the guilt got to me and I sent her an email saying "while I don't believe I am suicidal, I think about it often". Her response was thinking and acting are 2 different things and I should always feel safe telling her...and I do.

Right before I was hospitalized I had "all my affairs in order", had paid off all my bills, completed an advance directive, updated my will and written letters to my siblings and niece and nephews. I was ready to leave this world.

To this day I still think about it, but I have't taken any action.

I would suggest you talk to your p/tdoc about why you feel the way you do and whether there is intent. Either way keep talking to your docs.