This is going to be really lengthy and not directly therapy related, but I've been following the psychotherapy forum for years and I feel safe posting here and asking for support. I'm going through the biggest betrayal of my life and I really need some light, because all I see is darkness.
Five years ago, I met my boyfriend and we became inseparable. He was the most sensitive, thoughtful, caring person I've ever known. He would treat me like a princess. Always minding after me, telling me the biggest words etc. We were both 27 and bad a really dysfunctional relationship with our families, especially our mothers. He was trapped: had dropped off school, no job, was having occasional panic attacks and a lot of difficulty functioning as an adult. I helped him and supported him (he did that for me also, always there to listen for the 100th time my thoughts and fears, reassuring me that he's my rock, that I have to trust him because we are our own family now and we'll take care of each other forever etc). He would take so good care of me, everybody said he was the perfect and most devoted boyfriend of the world. I, on the other hand, would be more difficult. Had outbursts, sometimes treating him bad etc., but always showing him my true face and explaining to him that it was my anger towards my parents that I let off, because I trusted him and thought he could handle it. And he did. And never said anything.
He managed to finish school (after 2-3 years into our relationship) and look for a job. He found one before Christmas: he was going to work as a geologist in oil rigs. He would be away for 1.5 month, and then we would be working 2-3 weeks away from home and have another 2-3 weeks paid time off here at home. Before he left, there was no change whatsoever in our promises, words, dreams about the future etc. None at all! He went there and in his group there were only men and just one woman, age 26, who was in a 7 year old relationship. I was always really insecure and he knew I had much trouble managing my sensitivity and fears. Two and a half weeks passed, and his words were the same. He would send me pictures of apartments to let to check them out, because we were about to move in together; would tell me that I’m his whole life and the only future he had. The last 3-4 days, I had gone mad (now I think that I sensed smth was wrong, even though nothing at all had changed in the surface) and I would fight all the time, hang up the phone to him etc. But he insisted that the only reason he suffers all the hardships there was for us and our future that was about to begin at last (we are both 31 now, and till he found the job the only money he had was a small allowance his mother would send him every month. And he would always tell me how much he appreciated the fact that I was patient enough to support him all these years and that now the time had come for him to take care of me. He even said that I could quit my job, that I hated, if I wanted, because he can support us both, till I find a new one. And that was just 2 days before what happened!). His last text message was that he really hopes we'll be together forever.
And then my world was shuttered. It was March 15th, we were fighting and said we would talk next day to try and find a solution so that our relationship survives the distance and we can be ok etc. He sent me the text about him wanting us to be together forever and said goodnight. The next day he didn't call me till midnight. He told me that yesterday he slept with this woman, the 26 year old. And that he doesn't know what to say, that he couldn't control it, that he is sorry and that he will always love me. I was beyond shocked. I asked him what about our dreams? All these words you kept saying till the last minute? He said he meant them and doesn't know what else to say. I wasn't mad, I just wanted to understand. We hanged up. And he never ever called again. The days passed, and my image of his was so perfect that I had persuaded myself that it was 100% my fault that he did what he did, that I had forced him with my non stop complaints and criticism and lack of support. And that it was all due to stress and me driving him crazy with my insane demands. So I wrote him a really long email, where I acknowledged all my mistakes, asking him to forgive my behavior and to try to make things work. I told him I was willing to forgive him and that I only wanted to listen to him and understand him and make our relationship stronger. He didn't reply. A week passed and I texted him that I'm suffering and I cannot understand how in just one day he stopped talking to me, I was supposed to be his family and now.. silence. I even called him twice. Nothing. And the next day he sent me an email, that was showing a man so weak and pathetic and so avoidant of any responsibility. He told me that he doesn't know how we can ever be together again because what happened with her has happened again. And that what I wrote in my email may have some truth, but it was definitely not the reason for what happened. That he truly believes our relationship was wonderful, it made him completely full and happy, that he’ll probably never find someone so perfect for him or feel so close with anyone else, his love and passion for me hadn’t faded at all, there was nothing missing, that’s why it’s so hard for him to understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. That he knows he would have a full, meaningful and complete life with me, yet he cannot ignore neither explain what he’s feeling. And some other immature words. And in the end, he wrote ‘If you want, we can still meet when I return in 10 days and talk face to face. I love you’. He threw the ball to me. He never explained anything. Just kept saying I don’t know why, I cannot explain it, I am so baffled and confused etc. Who does that? What kind of man treats the woman he supposedly loved more than his life this way? And doesn’t even pick up the phone to see Is she ok after what I’ve done to her? How weak and callous of a behavior is this? In just one day, everything I believed was gone.
And now comes my therapists diagnosis, which I’d also like to share. My ex had a really controlling widow mother. She was obsessed with her children, especially with him, being the most sensitive and caring. When I met him, he just couldn’t say no to her. Ever. I helped him gain strength and start separating himself from her. I had just began therapy and would share what I discussed with my T with him, so that we could both change (because our problem was similar, separating our image from our mother) and have a future as real adults. We would always analyze and talk about every little thing. I knew he had trouble opening up, but trusted him when he told me that if it’s smth important, of course he will share it will me. He even had a long conversation with his mother, a year ago, where he explained her all the wrong she had done him and it was really liberating for him. My T told me that we had a sadistic-masochistic way of relating. Where I'd always be the one saying no and being negative about everything. And it was the only way he would say yes, because that was want was always happening with his mother. She always said no, and that would make him unable not to say yes and not be dependent by her. And because lately I myself was changing, getting two jobs and kind of saying yes to our prospect of a real adult life, he panicked, didn't know how to relate to this new way of relating, so he became the one who said no. And he did smth so dramatic and cruel, because he hadn’t ever learned how it is to say no from time to time. And he believes that if after what he did, I hadn't sent the email or begged him to talk to me and find a solution, he would eventually have returned to me. Because he would interpret it as another rejection from my side, meaning a ‘no’ and would return to take on the role of the one who says yes, when being rejected. And this way of relating would continue. But because I was so mature and open to move on and said yes to us etc. he panicked again and did it again, saying no (He told me it happened again the night I sent the texts begging him to find a solution). But because cannot stand to realize all this, and has persuaded himself that he’s in love and it’s that simple, he says I don't know. And that he chose to turn to someone who is younger, just gotten out of a relationship, hence is emotionally unavailable, so that he won’t have to make the emotional step of completely letting go his mother and making a life of his own with another woman. And that what is really interesting is that it happened the first month that he was ‘freed’ from her, since he made his own money and had just lost the way of connecting with her via the allowance she would send him. He also mentioned that his silence and his email hide a lot of violence; it was cruel and inhuman. He destroys everything because he hasn't forgiven his mother. He told me not to meet with him because nothing will come out of it.
For you who managed to finish this post, thank you. I am feeling really suicidal (no I won’t do anything) and have lost hope in life. I was about to move out of my parents (I work two jobs but the money isn’t enough for me to get a house on my own) with the man I loved and start living my life and in one day everything was lost. He will be here in a few days for at least 3 weeks. I cannot see him. I am broken.