Yeah, I realize that to some extent he has manipulated and used me (and I'm sure he didn't think I would leave) but there were good times too. Times when he actually managed to break through my own self loathing and make me feel special.

Then things like that last fight happen and he tells me he won't make it easy for me by giving me a reason to hate him and all I can think is that the only reason he did that was so he could take the high ground and say that he didn't abandon me.

In the end there was no concern for me only his own ego and I feel like such an idiot and want to hate him for all the pain only to start thinking it's all my fault for being so difficult or that I deserve to be treated badly and that maybe he wasn't all that bad which he wasn't but does the good stuff make up for the bad?

I'm at a point in my life where I think I could honestly give up all chance at true happiness if it meant I never had to hurt again.