I am not eating a lot, just the minimum to keep going. Have dropped 4-5 kilos since March 15th. I do get some sleep (always having nightmares) but when I wake up, I cannot get back to sleep. The minute I open my eyes is the worst in the whole day. The pain is excruciating and I keep repeating to myself 'you are all alone now, the love you think you had is gone'. No, I won't see him. I hope I am strong enough not to let myself fall into this trap of meeting with him, where the only outcome will be me hurting even more and him saying I don't know why, I can't explain what is happening. It's going to be really hard, with my T away, and knowing that my ex is just 10 minutes away. But I cannot see him. I cannot do this to myself. On the other hand, I need closure. And I don't know how to get it yet. Maybe in a few months, I could write to him one final email, saying why I think he did what he did, and saying my last goodbye. But I'm nowhere near ready yet. I still hope it's a dream and I will wake up to the life I thought I had for 5 years.