I am worried that you will never get closure, what do you expect him to say? He won't admit why he did it and will probably say he doesn't know why, and how will that make you feel?
Please when you wake up in the middle of the night please tell yourself something kind, like " I am free now to make new friends, to start a new life and do the things I always wanted to"!
The things we tell ourselves can make all the difference, telling yourself the love is gone is only going to make you feel so lonely x
You are grieving for a love that is gone, it will take time and plenty of love and self care. I used to wake at 5am every morning and have since learned it's the time that people who are grieving wake, when you wake can you write all the things you feel in a journal and not try to tell yourself things that are going to upset you xx
Sometimes it helps to write him the final letter and say everything you want and let him know how much he hurt you and took your hopes and dreams together away without discussing it with you but don't send it burn it it helps releAse those blocked up feelings

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk