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angelicgoldfish05 · Apr 08, 2014, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm never going to see LCM from 9 to 5 every day ever again. I'm not going to wake up in the morning to the smell of her making tea again. I'm not going to wait at the door, excited for "mommy" to come home and then fight the urge to run up and hug her like an overexcited 4 year old. She's never going to talk to me every day, face to face, be there when I cry. Take me on random walks with no prior planning. It's never going to happen again. My mind can't seem to accept that. It's been months since I came out of residential, but for some weird reason, my mind just can't stop thinking that I'm going to go back. That I'm going to be her daughter and see her everyday when the reality is that's just never going to happen again. I keep expecting things to go back to the way they were but they can't.

I worry that she is attaching to other clients more than me just because she doesn't see me everyday anymore. I worry that she doesn't miss me anymore. That she found a replacement daughter that she likes better than me. It's only a matter of time.

But I know I'm special. She talks to me all the time. She works with me post discharge. She's still here for me and I have a hard time understanding why she would go to the trouble. I love her so much. She means everything to me. I just really hope I still mean something to her even though she hasn't given me anything to worry about. Last time we talked, she was loving and kind. I'm upset over nothing. I'm overtired and hormonal. That's the problem. But I still love her. Mommy. Pretend mommy. The mom who won't hurt me I don't think.

Sounds like you are really missing this special person in your life, Growlithing. I think your worries and fears make total sense and I'm not sure how much it would help to reassure you that this person still cares for you the same and that they always will, even though I suspect that is true.

I can share that when I left the residential place I went to as a teen, my out-patient t was no where in comparison to the t I had in residential. There really isn't anyone else out there who could ever replace him. My out-patient t and I had a short-lived therapy relationship and I ended up convincing him and my mom I was better and didn't need therapy anymore. My transition was as good as it could be I guess and it helped that I was able to still go see my t I had while on residential just to say hi and see him also.

As for your person getting more attached to other patients more than you, I hear your fear and worry, but don't see how that could make her care about you any less. There are those who probably need her more than you do right now, and that might be hard to accept, but think of how fortunate the other people are who are also getting to know her and be helped by her care.

As for your TT and what happened there (I followed a little on the other threads but may have missed something) - what comes to mind is that sometimes something hasn't worked out for us yet because we are not ready yet. Maybe something in the big picture understands you aren't ready for trauma work or something. Or maybe it's best that that TT is ultimately not working with you even if the termination was abrupt or something. You will find someone who you will be able to work with when the time is right. I'm certainly not trying to give advice, just one person's opinion - take it or leave it. You will find your way in time.