Yearnings none of what happened to you is your fault, and you didn't do anything to make you deserve it. Kids push the limits all the time so that they can learn what is and is not ok. It's your parent job to help you understand that gently. They are suppose to teach you not abuse you and cause you shame. The fact that you pushed the limits sometimes is perfectly normal. What isn't normal is holding people down, ripping of peoples clothes and, verbally abusing them.

I'm sorry its so hard for you talk about all of this. Sometimes I get so dissociated after appointments that I forget what even went on just an hour ago. I like to have an hour to myself before and after therapy so that I can cope. I don't know if that's possible for you. And I'm like you I don't really find meditation or mindfulness helpful. But I do like to just lay in the dark sometimes when I get stressed out, and let my mind run its course. I do this sometimes after therapy. Going on walks is also really helpful for me. Sometimes I can just let go of things while I'm walking around (or driving around sometimes). Have you ever tried any of those things?