First of all, I have nothing wrong with lesbians. I believe they should have equal rights, though I am not a lesbian myself, I believe in equality. Having been manic all spring due to the light issue, I forced myself to go to day treatment hoping I would stabilize by talking to others. They assigned me to cleaning out the soup cupboard. They assigned me to work with an enormous looking lesbian lady named Judith. She had a shaggy hair style that seemed to have come off Laverne and Shirley and a man's t-shirt on. She told me about her girlfriend and I asked her if she didn't find men attractive and why. This is what she said.
"Men just aren't MOTHERING," she said. "They won't grab your coat for you, thoughtfully put a note in your lunchbox and bake you cookies," she said.
"That's not true," I said. I once had a very mothering boyfriend, though he was a rare case, for sure. When I was sad he took me on vacation. He called my mom and spoke with her when I didn't feel like speaking with her. He held me when I babbled in a lithium stupor. He called me every day. He asked me to marry him. Foolishly I said no, I was too young. He disappeared, to Scripps School of Journalism. I never saw him again. As a whole though, most of the men I have dated after that have not been at all mothering and have expected me to mother then. But then it occurred to me that men aren't mothering, they're fatherly on the whole. They fix your car when you haven't a clue what to do. Plunging their hands into a mechanical mess, just for you. I had a boyfriend who fixed my leaking sink and my car about three times. And his arms were so warm, I always felt like he could beat the **** out of anyone who tried to harm me. I still wasn't sure why she said she hated men. She said she had been burned by them and dating women, a beautiful woman was much better for her.
"Also, I hate men's bodies," she said.
I thought of what she meant. Did she dislike a pickup truck and Wrangler's man stepping out of a Ford-F150? Did she dislike their too large and adorable feet? I thought of the strength they posses to pick you up in their arms and place you elsewhere and was puzzled. I do find women pretty as well, but I don't think I would ever kiss one. I kiss guys all the time though and think about kissing them all the time. If I stare at a cute guy all I have to look at is his mouth and I have an irresistible urge to lean forward and kiss them as if pulled by a magnet, of course I don't kiss them though, I control myself. When manic though, guys seem drawn to me like a moth to a flame. I put on flamboyant "Hollywood" outfits and low cut shirts and since I'm pretty they can't stop staring. They love me. Just an interesting perspective interviewing Judith. To hear it from her perspective...I wish I could understand, but I never will...(In General Social Chat).