I know what you mean about the contract. I always knew that piece of paper wasn't going to stop me. What was she going to do? Sue me for breach of contract? But what I did think was I respect this woman and appreciate that she cares about me so I really worked at holding out at least until my next session.

When I was telling my pdoc I wasn't suicidal it was because I didn't want to go back into the hospital and I did NOT want ECT treatments again. However, I will say that while I didn't want to be hospitalized and never want to again, in the end it was the best thing for me. I was scared and felt alone. I didn't want to be there, but it kept me safe, got me on the right meds and I found a new pdoc that I really connected with. My old pdoc would hand me a script every time I told her something was going wrong. My current pdoc talks it through with me.

Shortly after I was released I was re-hospitalized for a medical condition which required large doses of a strong pain med. One day the nurse walked in and said she had my next dose. She put it into my IV and almost immediately I became, what I'll call, pleasantly tired. I laid back and I was out. I woke up later that night in the ICU with nurses and doctors all over me and the room. I also woke up with a back spasm. I remember trying to move to stop the spasm and being told "You can't move. What's wrong?" Later, as I became more conscience, I was told I had received an overdose of my pain med.

After being released, I often thought to myself, that would have been a great way to go...just closing my eyes and falling asleep.

If your docs think you should be hospitalized you should at lease talk to them about it. It may be what's best for you. Find out what will happen. Find out what your days will look like. How long do they anticipate your stay. I know how much you don't want to do it, but it may be what's best for you. In a structured environment, they can figure out your meds and what treatment is best for you.

Please give it serious thought.