Quote:
Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05
Reading all your posts made me think of another couple I know. They had a child together and now had to take care of a child in the middle of this, including going to through the courts for custody matters, etc.
So yes, like you say, you have found a silver lining in your painful situation - that's wonderful. It could always be worse. You could have moved in together, gotten married or even had children and then have something happen like this.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so broken. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to be suicidal and struggle. Keep talking. Do what you can to take care of yourself. Get going in activities you enjoy, and try to keep busy. Glad to hear you are meeting with a great t but concerned about the time your ex will be in town 10 mins away from you and wonder if you have a plan for your support during this time?
You mentioned also that you are worried you won't be able to trust again. Well what that made me think of reading your words is that you don't have to. Who says you have to trust anyone again? If you are meant to, you will and you will know, but it makes sense to me that you wouldn't trust anyone again till you are good and ready. And you certainly do not have to.
And as for the pain of brokenness, I couldn't help but think (as awful or however this is going to sound) of how strong this is making you already, how strong you are going to be on the other side of this. There's a great quote by Robert Tew that "Strength of character isn't always about how much you can handle before you break, it's also about how much you can handle after you've broken."
Finally, I wanted to speak about the myth of closure. I'm not sure what this looks like or if it is possible. I know I have chased down "closure" from broken relationships that have ripped open my heart and shattered it to pieces - and I always sought this with the other person, or sought something from the other person... I'm just not sure it is possible. I want to google it and leave you with some nice link to a resource from someone who has studied it, and has found this to be true on a larger scale, but guess I'll just leave you with my own thoughts and feelings on the matter. I don't think closure exists. Closest thing I've found is this this quote here: What is Closure? | The Grief Toolbox
I think your next task (or somewhere down the road) is going to be grieving this massive loss. Sounds like your whole world was built up around this person and the idea of a life together. So while the person may have acted cruelly, horribly, and as a total jerk as another poster mentioned, you might think about approaching the grief work directed just as much towards your ideas and illusions of what this person was, as well as the person themselves. Maybe even direct the grief work entirely on the idea and illusion of the person because maybe, even after all the years together you didn't really even know them. Sadly enough to say. Well, keep going and keep up the good work. It's really a great step you have taken to reach out to others here, so congrats and best hopes for your journey. |
I am really moved and appreciate all of your words and advice so much. It's a lifesaver and it helps a great deal, even though I am just at the beginning and cannot help myself yet.
This man knew how to hide really well. I think the trap was that he also hid from himself, not only from others. Because he was programmed this way; to serve others. And that's what he did with me ultimately. Served my every hope, dream, wish, till he found someone else to serve, and not have to make the relationship real and equal. Everybody who had met him was jealous of how much he 'loved' me. They all said he was one of a kind. Even my T was tricked into believing that he loved me deeply and that what we had was so special. And he knew about his emotional problems, yet believed --like myself-- that through our love, he handles them and will eventually overcome them to give way to smth new, healthy and creative. That's the reason it is so hard to realize and accept the new facts. This face of his.
I know I will eventually survive. But it's just that I deserved to be loved and I am so capable of deep love. I thought I had found it and cherished it; despite my hard personality and tantrums, I would never EVER treat anyone like that, let alone my 'other-half'. He would look me right in the eyes and say that he had the deepest respect for me; and he never did anything, not even a little thing, for me to question this devotion. And in just one day, he transformed into this inhuman and cruel person. He abandoned me, like a thief in the night, and didn't even look back. And I don't care if it's out of weakness or cowardliness; there is just NO excuse. That's why it's so hard to accept. I cannot comprehend it. At all.