i don't often talk about it, but i survived more than a few "suicide attempts", by various methods, one of which i actually died,,, eventually i learned that there are things worse than death, and i stopped... but i still had the 'little voice in my head' saying "i wish i was dead" over and over, constantly for years, all day every day, til i would just freak out.

it's easy, now, for me to understand how a person can mistake that voice for a real thought, when actually it is a form of OCD intrusive thought. but the thought itself can drive one mad... finally the will to resist breaks, and escape becomes the only answer.

suicide is always a way out.... of memories, of feelings, of thoughts, of self loathing.... that's the reason, hopelessness. it doesn't have to have anything to do with the current reality. i hope you can see that... you didn't cause his death, any more than he caused your collapse. it was too great a burden to bear, we lack the strength to continue on as we were, and must change...

i hope you are finding ways to strengthen yourself, to heal yourself, and to gain the skills that will help you to keep getting better.
best wishes~
Gus