You seem to be handling this very responsibly. The birth control pills are a great idea and may prevent you two from getting into a mess that you might never quite get out of. Make sure she takes them, especially since depressed people tend to forget stuff like that. You don't deserve the horrible dilemma of expecting a child with a woman who has one foot out the door.

Though she may well be depressed, my guess now is that, somewhere along the line, she got addicted to a lifestyle with a hefty component of drama. I suspect that's the bigger problem. She misses the fireworks she had being with the abusive boyfriend. Compared to him, you are dullsville . . . and not much you can do about that. This little lady of yours has some serious immaturity, but it's the kind that's become hard-wired in.

You've done an excellent job of tracking this down, and I congratulate you on your ability to get to the bottom of things. You are quite a clear thinker. Unfortunately, this may be a way harder thing to surmount.

Consciously, or not, she may have been trying to provoke you with hurtful stuff to see if she could get back some of the "storminess" she misses. Sure, you could start blowing up. You might even find that she responds well to getting smacked now and then. But that is not who you are. I doubt you could sustain that kind of melodrama because you don't seem to need it. You seem to be a very grounded person interested in collaborating with a committed partner to put up with the daily grind it takes to build a solid life. You want to treat someone decent and fair and get that back in return. Oh, how conventional! It's not a boring way to live to someone who shares your goals and has your realistic understanding of what goes into making a good life. But it is to her. That, my friend, is a tough situation to alter. That "low dose pill to clear her head" isn't going to do a blessed thing. She likes "Sturm und Drang." To feel alive, she needs to experience emotional extremes.

In fairness to her, she is undoubtedly the product of her history that goes back to even before the abusive ex. She didn't really choose to be this way, and she may have no capacity to choose to be different. Unfortunately, no one else can choose different on her behalf. I don't think she can be counseled out of this, anymore than you can counsel someone into changing their sexual orientation from gay to straight, or vice versa. This is a form of sexual orientation. That's why I say it has gotten hard-wired in. You'll find no shortage of mental health professionals who'll disagree with me, and I think you love her enough to want to try. You probably need to, and you could get lucky. She had the sense to marry you, rather than some abusive guy. Part of her doesn't want to be self-destructive. But she is conditioned to respond to perverse stimulation, and she misses being turned on. Her dilemma is very sad.

You are amazingly clear headed and realistic about what you are facing. If she can't help herself, you have every right to not let her destroy your happiness along with her own. Her destiny may be to end up back with a guy like her ex, and you will be sorry for her. That may be the most you can do for her.

Believe it or not, this is an old story in the annals of human relationships. There is a famous, old movie called Of Human Bondage, starring Bette Davis. It's from 1934, and that may be a style of movie that your generation finds too strange and old-fashioned to watch. I'll put a link below to just a short clip of it. It's not your story exactly, but the guy is good, decent and fair, and his girlfriend is bored with him. She is attracted to men who use her. They break up. He goes on to have a good life, while she ends up on the street. In the end, he is a doctor and he finds her dying of Tuberculosis. It might be interesting for your wife and you to watch the whole thing together . . . or not. Even just watching the clip might be a way of starting a conversation.