I hear you. Not that I am a doctor, but your illness can be a manifestation of your psychiatric illness. If I were you, I would start by telling the doctor who diagnosed you with bipolar everything you wrote here. If you are suicidal, don't wait, get to the ER, they'll admit you for a psychological evaluation and will monitor your suicidal behavior. They might keep you there for a few days while psychiatrists evaluate you and determine your best treatment. Life is too short to continue struggling, your family and friends deserve more than you can offer in your current state. Hope this helps and good luck.