The love of my life committed suicide in 2007. He was back in GA with his family and I was in CO skiing. At that point we were not together, but I kept hoping we would get back together. We both took the same anti depression medicine so I knew he suffered from depression. I also knew he had an alcohol and addiction issue from when he was married. Regardless of all that knowledge, I thought if anyone would kill themselves it would have been me and not him because he was always happy, or at least he faked it flawlessly.
When I was notified that Andy had died, I tried it as well, but my attempt was a half a SS attempt. I'm afraid that I will not be successful and end up worse than I am today.
My first reaction was to blame myself for not picking up on the signs. Over time I have learned to accept the idea he no longer could deal with this incarnation and exiting was the only way he knew to stop the pain. I don't judge him, I'm glad he did something to find some peace and I believe he did. As for me, I've decided the best way I can honor his memory is by not committing suicide. By fighting this disease tooth and nail, and by pursuing happiness every day.
That is what I tell myself, I don't always succeed, I am currently in a major depressive state, but I am actively fighting the disease. A year and a half after Andy's death my service animal Bugsy adopted me. Now I have two reasons to stay alive, Bugsy the cat who has been there for me through the death of my father and on many airplane trips (I have problems with airplanes) and my promise to Andy's memory.
It is hard to believe that you will not cry as much and your pain will not be as sharp, but it does get easier with every year. I still miss him every day, and I'm sure the anniversary of his death in a couple of days will be tough, but I will make it through.
Please feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to. Hang in there, it is hard, but you will make it.