Hello,

A short while after joining, in a hope I will find help here my depression got worse and I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. I wouldn't say it was a helpful experience - seeing a doctor for 10 minutes once a week hardly seems much at all but apparently this is the norm. I'm finding it really hard to get back to normal - I took some well needed time off of work when I got home to get myself back settled but even now i'm back to my normal routine I don't feel like I'm any different to what I was before I went to hospital, so I suppose it was all a waste of time.

I self harmed yesterday for the first time in over a year and I am so angry at myself. My partner was so disappointed, saying he thought I was getting better. I feel like I'm letting everyone down by allowing myself to give in to all these feelings but i'm just finding it so so hard.

I'm back to living like a zombie - having to force myself out of bed in the morning, usually ending up late for work because of how little motivation I have to do anything. Then being like a zombie at work, getting away with interacting and doing as little as I can get away with. Getting home and getting back into bed. Then when my partner gets home he drags me downstairs (often having to literally throw me over his shoulder) and tries to snap me out of it. I feel so terrible that I put him through this, he is so wonderful about everything and always tries so hard to make me feel better. I get so paranoid that he will get fed up of me and leave, but he's yet to prove me right and says he'll never leave. I guess I can't help but doubt him because I've lost so many friends in the past due to them getting fed up of me being a constant misery.

We want to buy a house next year, then try for a baby - it's something I want so so badly. But now he says he doesn't know if he can trust me not to be there with our child and still self-harming and being this way. I understand that if I'm this way it wouldn't be fair to have a baby, but I feel in my heart that I wouldn't be that way. I'm getting the treatment I need now, so it shouldn't be long before I'm stable anyway surely. Plus I just know that everything would change once I have a baby. It's something I've wished for for years, and I have been begging him for months and months to let us try. He says we can't just have a baby to make me happy again, which I know it may sound that way but its something I've always wanted. Would it really be so wrong to have a baby when I suffer with depression? It's been on and off for years, so who knows if it will ever be completely gone. I can't give up on my wish just because of this.. do any of you have children? Do you struggle to cope when you get bad with your depression?

I just feel like my life is stuck in a stand-still at the minute. We are meant to be getting married and buying a house and staring a family, but I'm just stuck in this same miserable routine every single day and it doesn't look like any of that is going to happen for ages. I know we need to save up money and everything, and a year doesn't seem that long to wait but I'm miserable in the way my life is. I don't know if getting a new job would help, but my work depend on me so much, and they'd have to pay someone else a lot more to do what I do - which in these hard times I know they couldn't afford. I am so fed up the whole time I'm at work, but then if I'm depressed like this how will I act all happy to potential employers. I'm told I need to believe in myself more but my self-esteem is practically non-existent.

I guess I just feel like I need to get my life back on track and I really don't know how. I guess I need to find out how I can make myself care about myself again.. sorry for all the rambling on, I just don't have anyone to properly talk to because I worry that everyone will get fed up of me if I'm being depressed all the time so I keep it to myself as much as I can.

Little Jay x