I apologize in advance because this *will* be a bit of a long post for me.

I saw my pdoc yesterday and was open about a few things I haven't been with people lately. Her response has had me reflecting about my application and current journey toward disability. I don't want to be considered to be disabled. I hate feeling like a failure but I just can't do things right. I can't handle things.

I pet/house sit sometimes. Its never for very long or for very much money. I don't advertise or anything. Its simply for people I know or my family that need someone when they go out of town. Otherwise, I have not worked since last May when I was fired (but those people say I quit...that's a different and very long story!!)

Well, when I saw my doctor she asked how I was and all and I told her I had been pet sitting this week and was upset with myself. When she asked why I explained that I have been overwhelmed about something so stupid that shouldn't overwhelm anyone. She asked if I thought it shouldn't overwhelm me or people in general. I said people in general. She then asked if I thought I was like other people. I kind of looked down and said I wasn't sure about that. She said she didn't think I was like other people because I am dealing with mental illness(es). That made me just a bit sad to hear. I mean, I know its true and all but still...to hear it from MY DOCTOR!

My point? I just fight within on whether I have a true case for disability....I have a lawyer who is going to represent me. He just filed my appeal for me because I got denied. He told me I will get denied again. I just filled out the paperwork that they send about daily activities for the second time. This time I went the ugly route and put me deeply personal and bad things about myself. I am not sure it will make a difference but maybe if its on paper....I even put on there about self-harming and being suicidal and all. As for a paper trail...oh my gosh. I have paperwork for 10 years worth with of crap on me. I have seen numerous psychiatrists and been to clinics. I have been 2 ERs for OD, in hospital 7 times (5 times in last 2 yrs) and in Crisis Stabilization Unit twice since last fall...not to mention all this stems back from when I was 17 (I'm 27) and I am still in treatment, ya know?

I have a lot of records from suicidal thoughts and almost ALL of my paperwork says Bipolar Disorder and most of current says BPD though I disagree with that dx and so does my T but I put it on there anyway because its in my records (even from when I was 17 and I didn't know that back then!!)

So what are ya'lls take on this? Am I hopeless? I feel like just giving up and getting another job to lose. Of course if I do I wont be able to see my pdoc or afford my meds anymore either. Stress unhinges me and I put in on that paperwork. That it makes me shut down and I lose all motivation and life becomes chaotic and self-destructive.

This is all too much. Even pet sitting can overwhelm me. I don't understand why God made me this way.