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ECHOES said:
I think maybe so much of my energy goes into maintaining that public image and when I get home I have little or nothing left; no energy or interest in me or my surroindings.

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Thanks so much for the responses. I think you hit the nail on the head with that last sentence, Echoes. I feel exhausted when I get home. I'm a different person when I'm at work -- so organized and professional and competent. It's not as easy for me as it was before I got sick and it does require a lot of energy.

Have you always had this problem with messiness or is it something new? I was capable of being neat and tidy for 34 years and then it just went POOF. I know that part of my brain still works. At the office, all my files are neatly organized, I'm implementing a new archiving system for the entire office, and everything is in its place. I never procrastinate at work. I'm always on schedule, always on top of everything. I come home and just flop into my armchair, though, and do not much of anything. I feel like crying when I look at the mess. I have come a long way in my recovery. Less than 3 years ago I was too agoraphobic to leave my flat. Now I have a good job, a social life, rarely have panic attacks, etc. I feel ALMOST like the person I was before. I feel like I won't have fully recovered -- won't really be ME again -- until I can get control of my messy flat, though. I want to be organized at home. I want to be able to invite friends over. I want to cook again. I want to do all those things I used to do at home, but something is stopping me... my mind is stopping me.

Another part of my weirdness at home -- I'm phobic about opening mail. I let it pile up and feel anxious about opening it. Sometimes weeks go by before I open any of it. I do the same thing with the phone. I get e-mails from friends telling me that my voicemail is full. I go weeks without checking my home voicemail. When I come home I don't want to do anything or let in anything from the outside until I'm ready for it. Does anyone else do this?

P.S. My mother dropped off an early birthday present for me today and I haven't opened it yet because I know that once I open it, I will have to find a place to put whatever is inside. I still have a basket of Christmas presents -- partially wrapped -- sitting next to my tv. I haven't taken anything out of it. It has been there since Christmas morning. I need to find a way to stop being this way.