Thanks guys. Still struggling. Kind of collapsed today truth be told.

I didn't get into my work yesterday. Didn't do the exercise either. Got some healthy groceries but that was all. Struggled a lot yesterday too I guess.

Today it is feeling unmanageable again. Went to work. Lasted about half an hour and then came home. Just want to cry. Cry and isolate myself. Do something mindless. Or just try and sleep.

I think I'm falling into a depression.

I have this health issue too. Kind of embarrassing. Have this lump on my face. It doesn't look too bad, I guess, but a couple of people have asked about it so it it noticable. It is a cyst, basically. I'm supposed to phone to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon so they can try and cut it out from the inside of my cheek so as not to scar my face too much. I feel like a hideous monster. Don't want to phone the plastic surgeon. Just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Don't want to go outside. I'm scared and I feel disgusting and I want to die :-(

See t tomorrow. I imagine I'll get some anti-depressants or something.

I told him in one of our sessions that I see j. sometimes. As an image. Sometimes she is looking at me sometimes not. He asked what I did when she was looking at me. I said I tried not to look back. He said 'how come'? I said 'because I might get lost in her'. He said 'and why wouldn't you want to do that'? And I said 'because it hurts'. And he said 'and then what'. And I said 'she might take me over'. And he said 'and what would be so bad about that'.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much. I was trying to figure what the pain is about. Shame? Defence against shame? What is it that hurts so much and why does it hurt? I don't know. But what is so bad about feeling the hurt? Because it consumes me that is why. Because it hurts so much and I can't function. I crumble. I'm reduced to just wishing I could die. I just want a way for the pain to stop. I'm scared and it hurts so much and there is nothing anybody can do. I shouldn't be around people because I only upset them and they can't do anything to help me. I wish I was dead.