But I didn't say that. I said 'because she might scream'. And he said 'yeah, I understand why you wouldn't want that to happen. And the pain too of course. I understand why you wouldn't want to feel that'.

But of course it was the not wanting to scream that he understood the most. I don't imagine he wants me to scream either.

But of course the screaming is just a defence against the pain.

I wish one could will oneself out of existence. I wish one could make a conscious decision to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm falling... I'm falling... Down the black hole. I don't like the noise I make.