A year before anyone thought to diagnose me with BPD, I was going through a particularly difficult time. I was suicidal and depressed, and I was searching the internet to try to see if there was something actually wrong with me or if it was all in my head. Depression fit, but the mood aspects of BPD fit even better... the mood swings, the numbness, excessive anger, turbulent relationships, and also the love/hate, fear of abandonment, suicidality, self-injury, and impulsiveness. I brushed it off though because the website I was looking at said that people with BPD are manipulative and attention-seeking, and I honestly didn't think (and still don't think) that I was like that.

Finally, a psychiatrist mentioned that I could have BPD. At first, I was shocked. But when I sat down and looked at a book about BPD, it was as though the book was written about me.

I still deal with a lot of those symptoms, and I can definitely identify with much of what you wrote. But at least now I'm more aware of these destructive behaviors and can better control them (sometimes).