I am now getting to a point were I am mostly positive about how I look.

When I was growing up, my family was the type to encourage me to go to school, be smart, not depend on a guy, etc,. I was told I looked like my mom who IS considered attractive but was never told I was pretty, attractive, cute or any such terms when I was growing up. The only times I was, was when I asked my folks was I ugly…They just told me I wasn't ugly and that was it.

I wasn't told I was attractive by anyone so when a few stupid boys at my middle school called me ugly it hit hard. I had nerdy interests, wasn't terribly outgoing and I wasn't that fashionable. According to them, my hair wasn't straight enough, my clothes were ugly, my eyebrows were too thick…and since my grades weren't even all that high at that time, I couldn't even take solace in being "smart." Even though teasing waned around 9th grade and I was cool with those people I couldn't help but notice that I never got male attention. I made a few changes in my appearance and wasn't called ugly anymore but the damage was done. I still felt totally hideous and inadequate. If any guy ever showed interest at all I assumed he was making fun of me.

That feeling did go away little by little over the years through college even though insecurities remained. What I have done to improve my self esteem in the last few years are the following:

1 - I dress in styles that enhance my body and features. I take care of my skin, hair and body in ways that enhance the health and appearance of me. I don't care if certain looks or features are "in style" or palatable to others. This is what I have to work with, I'm not changing it so I'm going to work what I have. I am on the thin side and in my culture that is NOT always a positive thing but in wearing things that I enjoy, I finally feel better about how I look.

2 - I mainly engage in media that is made to positively reference traits I have. Example: I don't like revealing clothes made for "well endowed" girls so I look at vintage styles that are more to my taste and a variety of body types. I have thick frizzy hair naturally so instead of lamenting on why it can't stay straight I look at photos and surround myself with positive representation of people with hair like mine. I have certain values in life so I surround myself with people who uphold those same values.

Everything else is acknowledged and I don't put other people down (or try not to) but I take those influences with a grain of salt. Also, if you engage in enough media long enough it will shape what you like. I was going through a stint of looking at antique and vintage dresses so much that I have minimal desire to partake in contemporary fashion. So be aware of what you are seeing, it matters more than you think.

3 - I make an effort to do things that I enjoy even if I THINK that others may not approve. When I started getting into wearing my hair naturally big and curly, I think that was the first step in improving my self esteem. It was something I had control over. I was paranoid and thought that people may laugh at me or make snide comments. When I did stop wearing my hair straight, most people actually liked it. Some people even copied my styles. The few people who didn't agree with it either didn't say anything or I made it clear that I was doing what I wanted. I basically took that logic into other areas of my life.