Quote:
Originally Posted by nowheretohide
Yeah, the things that I really need to do are the only things that motivate me lately. And it's not so much actual intrinsic motivation as knowing you have to so begrudgingly doing it. I am not devoid of feelings like a schizoid, but I think there may be other things wrong me... maybe mild asperger's or a schizoid-ish defense mechanism of apathy, because I have taken really bad care of myself for many years now... like a few months back I didn't take a shower for 7-8 full days (normally maybe every 2-4 days unless I have to go to some event).
I don't brush my teeth regularly, like probably 4 times a week on average but sometimes not for 3-4 days straight. Somehow I rarely get cavities though.
And sometimes I just don't eat if there's nothing around that sounds appetizing, and when I am eating an appropriate volume of food I generally eat unhealthily.
I just don't have the motivation and don't seem to care. Maybe it's just depression, but even when I'm feeling kind of hypomanic (go through phases like that, although not sure if I'm actually BPII) my energy is focused only on a particular task and I still don't seem to care about basic hygiene or other "life upkeep" things that everyone else just does and doesn't think about.
Maybe it's the classic semi-subconscious reason for avoidants not to make themselves look good, to prevent other people from approaching you or whatever. And maybe it's just depression like many people would say or assume, but it's not just when I'm feeling especially down or anything and I never let the 100% necessary things derail my life (earn money, pay bills, pay rent), which someone with major depression would presumably do.
I know I'm getting somewhat off the topic of motivation, but it all goes back to only being motivated to do what I absolutely have to in order to pay rent, stay alive, and sit on my ***** in relative peace. I think I just have no dreams or aspirations, no vision for a better future, no compelling reason to try to improve anything at all. I'm guessing you guys don't experience this because it's not a typical AvPD thing, but thanks for listening to me rant about it.
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It's almost amazing,never have I related to another human this MUCH!
Everything you said describes my life perfectly,I have the exact same behaviors!
But I too am torn in hesitation sometimes,often did I find myself confused on the matter of being depressed,it feels like I'm depressed during those heavy ''down'' periods then again it doesn't seem to make sense fully.
Maybe I'm not worthy of being depressed,maybe I'm just a ****** human being?or maybe this is just how I am,maybe it is something else.Only today did I found I have AvDP.I never related this much to people's behaviors and thought process.I am not alone....in this fate of a slow hell,that eats at you slowly.
Back to you,less narcissism,I do have one exception on one of your points.
Even though I stopped school,even though I stayed at home for the past year achieving literally nothing,I have big dreams,I believe I can do almost anything if I put my entire mind and will to it.Which just torns me,as I watch my days go bye,myself getting older,as I watch all these successful actors and youtubers,I read about all those people with awesome jobs,I get torn because I genuinely believe I can do something epic with my life.
Instead I'm just wasting it.Like I've wasted my high school years,like I've wasted so many social relationships,I wasted everything,I live in a first world country yet I can't do a single ****ing thing with my life.
Sorry for the long post,back to your post.I really want to convey though,I completely relate to your post!As in I do the exact same,it's that much.
I'm sorry for the quality of my post,it's my first post here so I selfishly included stuff about me even though I was supposed to discuss your post.Now the post is getting even longer,I fear l will annoy people with my unnecessary long post,I do feel very selfish for talking so much about me.
Now I'm probably just trying to intentionally 'show'' just how 'crazy' I am too,trying to fit in as always,its pathetic,but I do because I guess that's what this forum is about,for people like us to express our inner selves shed some light and warmth on each other's path that is most certainly a very dark,nervous and lonely path...what am I a poet?Enough.I'm sure this is not a typical post and not how most posts are,for that sorry.I should stop taking this post like my ''dairy''.Stop.