This might end up long and jumbled, so don't feel obligated to read it if you don't want to. I just have a lot of stuff in my head and I need to get it out and I can say things here that I can't say to my t. I've been thinking for awhile that these meds aren't right, but I REALLY like the side effect (severe appetite suppression and weight loss), so I haven't said anything to my pdoc. I went Thursday and told him I wasn't feeling great, which is true, but also that I have a ton of outside stress right now, which is also true. I did lie a tiny but when I said I hadn't had any manic symptoms. They've been really mild, but still there. For the most part, it's been debilitating depression and anxiety. I got him to increase the dose though. I also finally got back on something for the anxiety. Ok.

Problem #1: I don't have health insurance. In order to afford my meds, I have to go through a mail order pharmacy and it takes FOREVER. I went to my pdoc on Thursday and the anxiety meds haven't even shipped yet. I was able to start the increased dose of the topirimate right away since I already had it, but I still feel terrible. I'll be up to the full new dose on Friday, but even today I was noticing some rapid cycling type stuff so I'm a little worried.

Problem #2: I really like my t and I've been sharing with her quite a bit, although not as much as I'd like to since I have to stay out of the hospital. But I think she's getting ready to drop me. Which really sucks since she happens to be both free AND good. She's too nice to actually do it on her own, but the last few times, she's kind of been hinting about me finding alternative solutions. Every week she asks if I want to come back. Maybe this Tuesday I'll just tell her no and make it easy for her. I don't have health insurance (see problem #1) so getting a replacement is going to be difficult if not impossible.

Problem #3 (TRIGGER): All the crap I want to share with my t and can't. I have no other real friends to share with either. The topirimate got me started losing weight and now I'm obsessed with it. I was (and truthfully still am) grossly overweight for my height, but I can't stop obsessing about losing more. It might be getting dangerous. It's the only thing keeping me from going off the med altogether. I feel like crap but I still need to lose weight. If I go off the meds, I'll gain it all back. Since Sunday night, all I've had to eat is a tortilla. It's now the wee hours of Thursday morning. I'm losing 4-5 pounds a week. I'm also having really strange and graphic images in my head of my own death and I'm obsessed with my own funeral. I keep wondering who would even bother to show up and who would be sad and who would only be there out of obligation. Nothing I'm currently feeling the need to act on, but that wasn't the case a few weeks ago. But several times a day, these images will still end up in my head. I still think about SI a lot even though I haven't done it in a little over 2 years. My t does know that part of it. We talked about past sui plans, but I made very sure to make it all sound past. I want to tell my t about the images and the food but I'm afraid it will sound like I need to be in the hospital and I don't think I really do. I'm not a danger to myself and definitely not to anyone else. Plus, hospitals are expensive (problem #1) and they'd take the topirimate for sure.

Sorry this was so long. I just needed to try to sort everything out. If you actually read this, thanks!