Please note: This guidebook will act under the assumption that saying the word, “five” is a serious, universally taboo insult. In this setting, remember, you must have everyone believe you are the innocent victim of false accusations. If you are very skilled, not only will the world in general side with you against your target, but the target will too. Any self-loathing you can generate will only work in your favor.

Never, under any circumstances, say “five” in front of witnesses, or your target will have a case against you and draw sympathy. You must be clever and creative in finding ways to hint at or suggest “five,” dancing all the way around it, coming as close as possible without actually using the word. You might try:
---You are such a three plus two.
---Wear something else. You look like a total forty divided by eight in that.
---Only half of a ten would even think such a thing.
---That’s such a six minus one thing to say.
---What a crock of the paper currency Abraham Lincoln’s portrait is on.

When your target reaches the logical conclusion that the equations and riddles all add up to five, be shocked and hurt at the mere suggestion. Point out that you never actually used the word “five.” Insist that it was your target’s imagination. Your target is just looking for “five” everywhere, and is therefore hearing it where it isn’t being said. Blame your target wherever possible. After all, it was your target who put the numbers together, not you, so your target must have “five” on the brain.

On occasion, if you can manage to make it look like an accident, you may get away with actually saying the word. “Yeah, that’s five with me.” If you do this in the presence of a witness, you must then act horrified, put on a great display of regret, and claim it was an innocent slip of the tongue. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I meant to say, that’s FINE with me. I don’t even know where that came from. I hope you know I would never say such a terrible thing to you.” The sorrier you appear to be, the better. Your witness will sympathize, because everyone misspeaks now and then. Even if your target knows you did it on purpose, he or she will be unable to say so, plausibly. The witness will assume you are being held to unreasonable standards, never allowed to make a mistake, and public opinion will turn against the target.

If you and your target are alone when you say it, the pretense of being sorry isn’t necessary. That is your golden opportunity to become angry at your target, and create self-doubt. You could genuinely apologize for an innocent slip of the tongue, but why bother? Innocent or intentional is irrelevant here. In either case, you may simply deny that you said it in the first place. Your target misheard. The word you meant to say, and should have said, is what you actually did say all along. While you’re defending yourself, remember to blame and discredit your target. “I never said ‘five!’ What I said was, that’s FINE with me. There you go again, you and your wild imagination, looking for ‘five’ when it isn’t there.” If your target tells other people what happened between the two of you, don’t panic. It’s your word against the target’s. You can claim anything, that your target is lying, or that your target is delusional. Nobody will know for sure. It is important to stick to your guns. The more you insist that you said “fine,” not “five,” the more true it will become, and the more self-doubt your target will develop. Begin making it a special point always to say the kindest things about your target to other people. This will make it less believable that you are saying unkind things when you and your target are alone. Over time, if your target does not already have a diagnosed mental or emotional condition, you may be able to create one, which you may then use to your full advantage in future situations. If your target is “crazy,” no one will believe him or her.

Don’t worry if you are caught now and then, and must admit you said or suggested “five.” You can still turn this around on your target. Assume the full appearance of an apology, but don’t forget to imply that your target is at fault, not you. Tactics such as, “I’m sorry you heard ‘five’ in what I said,” will come in handy. You are not admitting to any wrongdoing. Instead, you are putting the blame squarely where it belongs: on the target, who misheard you, as usual. You may also try, “I’m sorry I’m not perfect, but you know, nobody is.” This will suggest that your target is unreasonable, demanding perfection from you when you are only human. Be sure to give away subtle signals with your body language, facial expression, and tone of voice, in which you make it plain that you are angry and resent having to degrade yourself by apologizing, but nevertheless, you are willing to “be the bigger person” if that’s what it takes to “keep the peace.” In some cases, you may get away with being less than subtle with your anger cues. Go ahead and glare at your target, raising your voice and speaking sharply: “OK, I’m sorry! Now, will you get off my back and shut up about it?” When this does not satisfy your target—and it won’t—you are then free to tell yourself, your target, and anyone who will listen, “I apologized, but it wasn’t accepted.” Your target simply likes to play the victim and hold on to the past, that’s all. This will return sympathy to you.

Chances are, eventually your target will try psychotherapy. This also is to your advantage. Most importantly, do not attend therapy yourself, unless it’s to go with your target to his or her sessions, and show how supportive you are. Your target is the identified patient, not you, and is therefore the one who has the issues. You, by contrast, are perfectly sane, as evidenced by the fact that your target sees a shrink, but you don’t. Be sure to remind your target of that fact from now on, any time a conflict arises. You will further drive the point home by tossing in such remarks as, “You need to call your shrink,” any time your target takes offense to something you said. If your target has been prescribed medication, so much the better. At the first sign of emotional upset, you may then ask, “Did you take your medicine today?” You will win that round, whatever the answer is. If no, “You need to go and take it.” If yes, “I think you need to have it adjusted. It isn’t working.” This tactic will come in handy for all situations, even if it appears that your target has perfectly valid reasons to be upset. Remember, for people who have a mental diagnosis, there are no valid reasons. Any emotion at all is proof that they’re “crazy.” You never again have to take a word they say seriously. After all, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

The time to panic comes when your target begins to recover. As long as your target is sick, you’re the healthy one trying to be noble and cope with somebody else’s issues. Furthermore, you have a purpose in life, taking care of someone who is damaged. Therefore, you must see to it that your target remains damaged. Allow enough improvement to give you room to say, “See? I knew you needed a shrink. Look how much good it’s done you.” But if your target actually becomes healthy, it will threaten the balance of things, and may even expose your own issues. You must not let this happen. One way you can sabotage progess is by switching roles and becoming the victim, setting your target up as the abuser. You are not gaslighting your target. It’s the other way around. Your target is gaslighting you, trying to convince you that you said or did things, when it didn’t happen that way. Don’t forget to exaggerate, overgeneralize, and misrepresent, all the while accusing your target of doing the same thing. For example, your target tells you that a group of friends has been kind, considerate, and supportive. That means none of the friends are ever unkind in any situation, to anybody, for any reason, while you are nothing but mean and evil. In response, be sure and point out their every flaw, and your every virtue, in order to prove your target is wrong. You can’t have anyone else thinking those friends are better people than you are. If your target points out that he or she didn’t say anything bad about you, accuse the target of playing those games of, “I didn’t actually use the word ‘five,’” outlined earlier.

Projection and double standard are vital. Call it some positive thing, such as “teaching” or “leading,” when you do it. Call it a less flattering thing, such as “brainwashing” or “corrupting,” when someone else does it. Remember, when anybody says or does something, and it makes you look less than ideal, they’re a bad influence on your target. If you do or say exactly the same thing, well, that’s different, because you’re you and they’re them. Your target’s so-called friends are discouraging him or her from visiting you, and advising your target not to listen to what you say. This is using isolation techniques, trying to come in between you and your target, so they can take control of your target’s mind. You, on the other hand, only want what’s best for your target, and that’s why you must insist that your target stop socializing with his or her friends, and not listen to what they say.

The goal, ideally, is to keep your target in perpetual therapy so that you can point to it as proof of his or her craziness, and your own sanity. If possible, you must not let him or her graduate from therapy. If, for any reason, it has been determined that your target has beome healthy enough to function independently, you must urgently suggest returning to therapy at the first opportunity you can seize. “You were doing so well, but now you’re relapsing. You’d better start seeing a shrink again.” There will always be that opportunity. Because you’ve never seen a professional for yourself, you don’t have a diagnosis. Your target does. Remember, for someone with a mental diagnosis, there are no legitimate reasons to show any emotion. Therefore, when a loved one dies, it’s perfectly normal and healthy for you to cry at the funeral. However, if you catch your target shedding so much as one tear, he or she has slipped into a depression, and must resume therapy. Don’t worry if your target doesn’t cry. You can use that too. He or she is out of touch with his emotions, cannot grieve normally, and therefore must resume therapy.

However, any time some skill learned in therapy works out to your disadvantage, call it “psychobabble,” and tell your target to knock it off. Remember, you must maintain the appearance that you want your target to “get well,” but you must not actually let it happen. If you have the power to do so, now is the time pull your target out of therapy, because, “That quack is warping your mind and turning you against us.” You may want to keep trying different therapists until you find one who is more likely to side with you. If that is impossible, or if you don’t have the legal authority to make those decisions for your target, begin voicing your disapproval of therapy in general. Discredit the therapist if you can do so. After all, he or she is human, and must have some flaw that will give you reason to say it’s all a bunch of garbage. You may also try to discredit the very idea of going to therapy at all. Tell your target, “Your therapist doesn’t really want you to get well. If you don’t stay sick, helpless, and dependent, you’ll stop going to sessions, and they’re out of a job. It’s all a big money-making scam.” Never mind if, after you persuade your target to discontinue the sessions, he or she remains sick, helpless, and dependent on you instead of on the therapist. That’s the way things are supposed to be. You know your target better than some outsider does. Therefore you, and not some stuffed shirt with a piece of paper from some fancy university, are in a better position to say what’s best for him or her.

And most important, while all of this is going on, don’t forget to keep telling your target, “Nobody else is going to love you like I do.”