This issue of Edge needs more time and space.

Feeling very uncomfortable, awoke keyed up and unhappy. I'm worried than in the process of transforming away from my (success-triggered) Mania I've dissolved whatever combo of states and actions that led to the success in the first place.

As I return to what I want to do, it feels like just the front part of my brain is working and the back sections are "off." Nothing gets a feeling of depth or importance, so making the clear decisions I need to succeed feel impossible. Each choice is the same. Before, at times, a good choice had a vivid contrast to all the others.

My scalp and head are itching. I guess this bring up a lot of shame, my shameful face wants to hide. My left eye wants to close shot—to not look at this so closely. There's an incipient headache. My breathing is shallow and noisy.

Here's my trilemma: a. my s-t Mania shattered my finances; b. my recovery may have ended the s-t Mania (yes!) but c. the changes I've made after all this effort could have left me incapable of restoring my finances.

Because I now recognize those Manic state and taken steps to insure they never revisit me, is the trade to accept permanent poverty?

There, I've written it out. I'm near tears. My hands twitch. My scalp crawls. My throat scratches. There's mucus in my nose. This feels like grief I've felt before for other reasons.

There's tear for 'why me." Another for 'I wish I'd known' I had this condition in my teens or 20s (times I can trace back now that I know what it is and how it worked and see it happening) when I had time to cope with it and a lifetime to enjoy from a saner place. Oh, god, all the good times, jobs, relationships, etc. shattered by this d*mn thing! A friend said, 'well, better to know at 60 than at 80.' I guess, but looking down that path of living 60 - 90 poor is no joy, either. At least in the wonderful USA cash economy.

I'm grabbing a tissue and will do a bit of grounding.