I am currently off medication. Which has made it evident to me that I worked far too hard over the last years to create false positivity for myself rather than creating proper safety plans, how to manage my depression properly, etc.

I wont ever recover.

I think, after suffering with major depressive disorder for 18 years (nearly my whole life, I am 23), I am able to say with agency that I wont ever be "cured" or "recovered". I need to stop filling myself with these ideas that one morning all will be well, and I will forget all the horrors this disease has done to me.

It is not healthy for me to assume there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am never going to make it to the end of the tunnel. And instead of looking for the end of this metaphorical tunnel, I need to start carrying matches with me and deal with the onset of darkness rather than fooling myself into believing I will reach the light one day.

Focusing on that "one day" has ruined so many years.

I am not going to recover. And I need to start being okay with that if I am ever going to reach a level of functionality.