So, today hasn't been a good day for me at all. Everything's coming down on me at once, but I'm jut going to briefly address one issue here.

I finally managed to snag myself a date, and it had seemed to go really well. We were out half the day, which is way longer than I even expected, and at the end of the day we hugged and said we would do this again. His voice sounded sincere, and I could've sworn his heart was beating fast. Before our date, he had texted at least a good morning every single day, even if I hadn't felt up to replying the day before. Now, nothing. Not online, not by text, nothing. With everything else bogging me down, I called my therapist and vented, and she ultimately said that dating right now is a really bad idea for me.

I understand that, because I'm not sure what I'll do if this happens again, though there's another guy I've been talking to whom I like even more than this one whom apparently disappeared on me. We have a lot in common and he seems to share some of my same ideals regarding sex. I'm just worried now I don't know what to do relationship wise, even on a friendship level. My social development...well, let's just say that I'm almost 21, but my social skills aren't at all on par with it. I'm just getting started, just learning what to do. And I'll be honest that I'm completely lost when it comes to this. All I can do is be myself and hope that someone appreciates me for it. I have had guys who listened to me and loved me even when they knew I was depressed, and I will forever be thankful to them. But in general, I feel a growing resentment towards guys, especially because of the generalizing statements I have to hear about them from my aunt. She thinks that being a guy is a justified reason to not be an attentive listener, to have a raging sex drive that ruins relationships, etc. I keep saying that not ALL guys are like that and that just because you're a GUY isn't an excuse, it's just the person you decided to be. I used to be an extremely different person than I am now, in some ways good, in some ways bad. I have chosen to change, and hard as it's been, I'm making progress and I won't stop until I am the person I wish to be. There are men who have a softer side, women who have a harder side, so I'm just honestly done with the whole gender issue. I'm tired of hearing about it. But nevertheless, it scares me into thinking that I'll never find a guy who'll treat me well, who doesn't use his gender as an excuse for what he does wrong. Then again, it doesn't surprise me when people (like my aunt) always give them excuses to do what they do "because it's in their nature" instead of making them own up to their crap regardless. People always tell me "that's just the way it is". Really? I guess we should've said that with everything else going on in the world. It was wrong, but hey, that's the way it was so why do anything about it? How about not giving men an excuse to objectify women and practically putting them on a pedestal for being players and then turning right around and criticizing a woman who does the same thing?

This, of course, leads me to my confusions with my sexuality. I haven't had a real chance to explore it, and I'm terrified to because of the social reprocussions that, for all I know, could end my life because of a hate crime. But I'm attracted to girls. I blush when I see attractive girls just as I do with guys, and I wouldn't mind dating one because I feel we'd have a lot more in common, since apparently there's SUCH a HUGE difference between men and women that MUST be maintained, lest the world come to ruin. I'm going to a convention in April which might give me a good opportunity to...peruse my options of the same sex, so to speak, but I'm just really scared and disheartened over all of it. Is dating really that complicated? I guess I'm living in a dream world, I have all of my life. And if I'm not to be granted some sort of romantic happiness before I die, since my depression is too much of a road block and apparently makes it impossible for me to be loved, then so be it I guess. But it's nothing that I would ever choose.