when you get to talking about past traumas and the like things get a lot more intense. it isn't just the sessions that get more intense it is out of sessions that get more intense too. there are more flashbacks. there are more intensely distressing emotions. it is much much harder to keep up with daily activities.

it is hard because often people struggle with those things anyway. and the way forward (so life isn't such a struggle) is often talking about and working through the past. but it really is important to have good coping strategies in place before talking about the past traumas. otherwise... people can disintegrate to the point that they need to be hospitalised because they simply can't cope with daily life. if that happens (and one is hospitalised) then the focus shifts from the past traumas to present coping, so if that happens then one doesn't get to work through the past traumas anyway.

the first phase of therapy is meant to be about building trust. it is also meant to be about building up a reportoir of coping strategies and the like as well. when you are coping fairly okay with day to day requirements then you are ready to start doing the intensive work. without those coping strategies in place one is only going to disintegrate in trying to talk through the trauma. that can lead to a lot of abbreaction (intense emotions) and no working through. lots of pain and rumination and flashbacks with no progress / real gains.

i'm getting to the point now where i started touching on some of that phase two trauma work. and now i need him to back off. i need to go back to phase one because this is getting a bit too much for me. i'm getting in touch with the pain (which is a kind of a flashback experience). i'm getting intrusive memories / ruminations. i'm unable to continue on with my work obligations. i'm unable to get out of bed / stop the rumination and refocus on things that i know help me feel better (like doing some exercise, going for a walk, enjoying my friends company). so it is time to back off the phase two and return to phase one in order to consolodate some of those coping strategies.

i'm really thinking that your t is kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. you want her to see something of how hard things are for you so she will be motivated to help you. so she will plunge into the hard work with you so you will feel better. the trouble is that plunging into the hard work is going to make you feel worse for quite a while. ultimately it will make you feel better, yes. that is why it is worth doing it. but short term it will make you feel one hell of a lot worse. so you need to be strong enough to feel even worse than you do right now.

that will take time. takes time to build up trust with t and a good working relationship. to develop a positive transference so her presence can help you regulate your emotions and so you can internalise some of that to carry her around with you so that your idea of her can help you regulate your emotions. time to figure out the sorts of activities that typically have a positive effect on your mood (going for a run or taking a long hot bubble bath etc). learning via experience that acting in spite of ones emotion (e.g., going for a run instead of ruminating in bed) helps one feel better and keeps one involved in life so one doesn't get lost in the horrible emotions.

my t asked me last year if i wanted to do dbt skills group this year. i said 'no'. but i'm going to ask him next week if that would still be an option. because i'm struggling yeah. i wasn't able to act opposite to emotion yesterday and i'm only feeling calmer now because i took a valium and now i'm binging on potato chips (which replace the panic with lethargy).

sigh.

((((hang in there sweetie))))

> I went last evening. Fell to pieces.