At least this trigger doesn't have anything to do with eating disorders.

Some people on another forum were commenting on an article about a guy with mental problems who was acting out and saying hateful things. His behavior was not appropriate by any means or anything I would condone, but some of the comments others had posted really riled me up to defend him.

They were giving the usual jabber about how he acted this way because he thought he was better than everyone else, that he was special and exempt from the rules. I've been in a similar situation to him: angry at the whole world because everything seems so difficult for me while it's so easy for everyone else. I've been on the receiving end of such opinions. "You must think you're so special and so great. If you want people to like you, why don't you try to be normal?"

I've never thought I was better than anyone or too good to follow the rules. On the contrary, I grew up believing I was an inferior, stupid, disgusting freak. I felt that people were attacking me for things that I had no control over. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I didn't understand the things other people understood. I wanted all the rejection, confusion, and hurt to stop, but I didn't know how to stop it.

I didn't think I was too good to follow the rules: I just couldn't figure out what the rules were. I couldn't figure out why other kids could diss me and get away with it, but if I dissed them, I got in trouble. I couldn't figure out why people would feel sympathy for others but disgusted with me. Why didn't I deserve their sympathy and respect? Why couldn't I be good enough to join in with the other kids? Why was life so easy for everyone else but so hard for me?

I didn't become this way because I was treated like I was better than anyone else. I became this way because years of rejection, criticism, and exclusion made me feel worthless and distrustful and resentful of everyone who got the kindness and sympathy I wish I had. I became defensive because everyone seemed to want to think I chose to behave this way, that it was so easy to earn everyone's respect and approval.

I can understand that a lot of my behavior was inappropriate, but I did it because I didn't know any better -- not because I enjoyed making other people feel miserable. I know I'm self-centered, but maybe it's because I have to fight harder to let my true feelings be heard than most people do. It's hard to care about other people's problems when your own seem too overwhelming, and everyone else seems to be doing much better than you: I can understand feeling that maybe you can feel that you need help more than that other person does.

I may be projecting too much my own feelings, but I hate the way that everyone assumes the worst about this boy who seems angry and desperately longing for the acceptance and approval that everyone else seems to have.