Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna
I believe we are responsible for getting our own needs met. If I want a hug, I ask my husband for a hug (and it works in reverse). We have a couple of "shorthand" ways of doing that; we fit together really well for hugs if I am standing on a single step so often, when we are together and see a single step, one will look at the other and I'll run and "assume the position" 
Hoping someone else can read one's mind and know when one wants something is asking a lot of another? My husband and I have developed habits that work well but took time to develop? When he says something pleasant to me, I always try to reply "in kind". I ask him what he would like for dinner and give him choices (like you might a child :-) so it isn't just "me" deciding what dinner will be and slaving over it, etc. and 99% of the time he says "thank you" after we've finished eating. He does the dishes to my cooking so that does not take much talk, except sometimes when I am feeling extra "free" from not having to do some normal/everyday chore I will thank him for doing it.
Asking someone who did not grow up "giving freely" to change how they do things is asking a lot, I think? They do not know how, no one taught them that. I am reminded when I was unloading the dishwasher once I complained because I am left-handed so everything in the dishwasher and silverware drawer, etc. was "backwards". As a surprise, my husband turned everything around when I was not paying attention but I never saw it because he's the one who normally does the dishes and he could not stand it, could not deal with it and changed it all back. I have always been left-handed so have grown up dealing with a right-handed world; he has never dealt with a left-handed world.
Wanting something is not the same as working to get it. My wanting someone else to say "thank you" whose mother did not raise them to say "thank you" such that there are many bad memories (my stepmother use to make me say "thank you" BEFORE she gave me whatever it was) is just me wanting to impose my training and habits on someone else. I say "thank you" as a reflex, the same way I say "excuse me". I went through an obnoxious period where I use to say "excuse us" because my husband does not say "excuse me" but then I realized I am not my husband's keeper and not responsible for my husband and his thoughts, feelings, and actions, he is! Too, my whole feeling of moral superiority for saying "excuse me" reeks because it was literally beaten into me, is a reflex, not a genuine response.
I work now to monitor myself only, to make my responses reflect "Me" and to be as genuine as I can be. My husband has to take care of his own growth and becoming who he is. I'm glad I'm here alongside him, I enjoy his company but what he wants and enjoys is not what I want and enjoy except we both want to cheer the other on, and help when possible (when asked for help), working on their getting what they want and enjoy in their life. |
Knowing a love language and having many examples of how to meet someone's needs through it is not "reading someone's mind". A hug is a hug at 3 a.m. or 5 p.m., and there's no need to "read my mind" and hug me at specific times when it's crystal clear that what I want is to be hugged more. That's called being thoughtful, and the most reasonable expectation in a relationship someone could possibly have (except fidelity, perhaps).
If I don't even have to ask my friends to show they care... why should I have to ask my significant other? Why should he get adjustments to avoid offending in his love language (ex. no texting during a movie, even if it's for work) while I don't?
Still seems like the "shut up and be a good little wife who's glad for anything" route to me. I believe we're obligated to meet our own needs for food, shelter, and purpose, but our partners are obligated to be responsive to our needs. If someone is in a monogamous relationship, they have
one source of that specific type of love and that relationship is obligated to be a good source of it. It's unreasonable to request someone's faithfulness and duty in giving up other men and women, and then not give them what other men and women could give them.
When we started dating, I limited physical contact with friends to hugging because anything more would make him uncomfortable, even if it wasn't romantic or sexual. The topic came up once and I've always been mindful of it. Why should I not receive the same consideration? Because I'm the woman, and the woman should be loyal, dutiful, and loving even if her man isn't?
If children aren't willing to think of their pets and remember to feed them, they don't get pets. If adults aren't willing to think of their significant others and remember to love them, then they shouldn't have them - except there's no one to tell them "no" except the people they're seeing.
Emotionally my bags are packed right now and, against the advice of he Internet, I've decided that he also gets affection on his terms only when he explicitly asks for it until we both understand how to exchange affection. If it's fair that I do it, then it's fair that he does it, no? He's 28 years old, and either he learns to understand and respond to my needs as I've learned to understand and respond to his (so "mind-reading" is possible!), or we seek satisfaction elsewhere. My sincerest wishes for him that he finds someone who'll also come with him as he seeks help for mental illness in a stigma-ridden world.
I'm worth more than what I'm receiving here, and when I was 17 I swore I'd never be like my mother and settle for less.