Hi AnIslandNeverCries, it sounds to me that maybe the way you're feeling is more getting in the way of you being able to be who you are as opposed to reflecting who you are.
It must be really hard for you struggling with/or being unable to struggle with the feelings which sound like they're almost consuming you, and the distance/isolation from others must make it so much harder.
But do you think that maybe you could share the way you've been feeling with someone/anyone in your life? Let it out? Afterall it has to be tough having those feelings "bottled up" inside you. And it can be really hard coping with those feelings without the support of others.
And right now it might be really hard/almost impossible (?) to imagine life differently, so to hope for that..........well, I can see where you're coming from. But maybe if you focus more on the smaller ways it can just be a little better for you to begin with. Smaller goals, one step at a time. And if there's just one/two things....once a week/every other week for now that might help a little, it all counts, it's all a step in the direction you want to be going in. Even if they begin by feeling a bit insignificant, even if it takes real energy to achieve at first.......
But to kick off....talk to someone a bit about the way you're feeling??? And let them be there for you along the way. It may take time (it may take a lot of time) but everything has to start somewhere, right?
If you want to talk a bit more though......we're here as well.........

Alison

& WELCOME to PC!!! You're going to find a lot of great people here who can identify with/understand the way you're feeling and offer you great advice/support.