So yesterday something happened that has changed everything. I was suicidal but too scared to carry through, and I was texting with my dr. and he over reacted and called 911 and I was hunted like a dog by police and brought in a cop car to the psych er. I have been seeing this dr. for 15 years and never has he done this to me. I had never been to a psych hospital and was so proud of this fact, and now I have that, too, to beat myself up for. Turns out my BP was so high that the psych er wouldn't take me anyway and made me stay at the regular er for 9 hours while they tried med after med to get it down. They put a cop outside my door. They made me show them that I took all of the ativan. Then, when they finally got it down to an acceptable level a cop took me to the psych er, they told me I belonged in the voluntary psych er, and I asked them if I could leave without being seen and they said, "sure, have a good night". So all of this for nothing! My bp is still out of control, no one even looked at the cuts on my wrist, and when they left me in the regular er refusing to let me leave they let me have my purse with me, which they searched, and which had in it a boxcutter and 10mg. of xanax. I should have just finished the job. Now I am SO ANGRY at my dr.- smug bastard saw me today and basically laughed at me and told me I'm making way too big a deal out of nothing. NOTHING? To me, it's not nothing. I am humiliated and I feel so betrayed by him and feel I have no one to turn to now for help, no one to trust. I offered to go into his office yesterday when he said he was concerned, but no, he instead calls 911. And the hospital did NOTHING! I am beyond depressed now, exhausted, hung over from all the drugs, and pissed. I feel the most miserable that I've ever felt, like the pain is too much for me to handle. I feel no hope, see no light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I see no point to fight any more. I can't take this existence any more. I've never been so disgusted with myself, so void of any light or energy. It's like I'm already gone.