You're not alone in the way you feel.
One day on a walk with my dad he told me he got my mom pregnant with me so he could avoid the draft for the Vietnam war. I was already messed up enough as it was, but when he told me that, it made things worse for me. He was not a good dad. Not loving, not hugging, rarely said I love you to me and my brothers. I have felt so unloved and useless all my life. I would think a dad who chose to bring me into this world to save himself, that he would be grateful for the gift. He wasn't I've floundered all my life searching for the unconditional love that should have been there from the very beginning thru my parents. I have been on this earth just existing. Not living. Never living. Not truly living. There's always been this void that I can't fill no matter how hard I try .
I'm to the point in my life that no experience that I go thru surprises me. Its like I'm this blur on earth bouncing from one experience to another. I want it to end. I really do.