FAMILY TRAUMA #2 (Help)

My family is just pure chaos right now and my mind just can't deal with it sometimes. Its like I am always the problem. My mother has had it with me, I don't think I will ever have a good relationship with her. She just doesn't understand what this is like. She says I don't have a problem, the only problem I have is drugs. That's ******** to an extent. Yes, I have embarrassed her by using and she always tried to help. I am 36 and still live with my mom and dad but its so disfunctional. I really thought I would be getting a little more feedback from you guys. It really breaks my heart that she thinks that I'm doing this for attention or something. Today was bad because my family had a big argument about this whole situation and they kicked me out. God I wish I can turn back time. I'm so guilty when I am around her because, she doesn't see her son, she sees a hop less, junky, paranoid whos life is in a downward spiral.

My sisters husbands grandmother just past away and I have to go to the visiting tomorrow. This is all I'm thinking about. People are gonna see that I'm on edge just because of my body movement. I've been without delusions since November and the symptoms always come on in april, first its the paranoia. Do you guys know how many times I have to change me credit cards or passwords on the computer because I think they are always watching me or saying to theirselves, look at what my sons become. My father just got diagnosed with liver cancer and he still drinks. My mother takes care of my uncle, who has also, which is a horrible disease. And its like they can careless about my sickness. I feel selfish for even bringing it up with them because they get sick and tired of it. My therapist said its not a good environment for me. My depression is so bad that I would rather change positions with my uncle who can hardly mood. At least he knows he's gonna die. Can anyone relate to this? I really need you guys right now. I think I'm too hard on myself. I've been going to stores, just trying to be around people and I'm fine. moodtracker.com, is really helping me with my goals. I don't want to not trust people anymore. I just want to be able to live humbly. My therapist said after I accomplish my goals in April, its time to start groups, I have this little seed in me that has to grow into the person I am happy with.

Thread #18-- How do you guys cope?