Hi this is kind of really embarrassing to talk about and I feel like I'm gonna regret posting this... But I'm honestly curious if anyone relates to this.
Okay so basically I feel like whenever I talk to people, I just get really nervous and self-conscious and my words always get jumbled up and my mind goes blank pretty much every single time I try to talk. Or I can't think of the right word or something. It's really embarrassing bc I feel like I'm living my life so afraid of talking to people and of what I'm gonna say bc I feel like I can't mentally do it. I always have to rehearse what I'm gonna say inside my head before I actually say it. I dunno. I just feel wicked dumb and stupid and alien bc it's impossible for me to tell stories or talk to people normally. (Also gonna add that this is a main reason for me having no self esteem)
And I feel like when I was younger, I just got this idea stuck in my head: I'm not mentally strong enough to handle conversations or stay focused or feel comfortable while talking. I always feel like I'm saying something wrong. And I end up jumbling my words again, like I said before, or just unable to think of the word(s) I wanted to say. It's really scary sometimes because it's affected me so so so much.
I love theatre, but I always bring myself down by saying I can't be a lead or act or anything bc I'm too awkward, too stupid, and too socially anxious and hard to work with. I also always feel like I'm an empty person; I have all these thoughts, but I can never share any of it with anyone because they're so different than everyone else's thoughts. And I just can't convey what I want to say. Idk. It's weird.
Maybe it's because I'm far too critical of myself and others. Because I'm so self-conscious and have no self-esteem, I feel inquired to point out every single flaw in other people as well as myself to try and make myself feel better. Wow, that sounds absolutely disgusting. But it's just how I deal. And I guess that's what I have to do at the moment. Tell what it is and hope someone can help me.
I mean, I'm fine with typing and texting, but I do find myself easily distracted or losing my train of thought really easily. Am I going crazy? Is there something wrong with me? Does anyone else feel this way?