I've gone almost an entire month, mind you I was also indulging in an incredible amount of speed, added anxiety as I raced to finish my publication in chemistry as well as prepare for a national symposium = INSANE MANIA, I had hit waking REM after three nights, that had grown progressively worse. I had obviously crashed from time to time, I called it "rebooting" as I'd sleep for half an hour to an hour ever other few days and wake feeling 100% (or so I thought).

Following the end of my symposium my ex-gf at the time had ruined my promising future by lying to the cops at my university out of jealousy, (2008 after the Illinois shootings, she'd called in a gun threat) and thusly I lost a full-ride scholarship at Stanford for Bio-Chemistry, Molecular Bio, and Med School following suit. So what did I do?

Took my saved cash, grant money, and school loans ($55,000) and moved back to my home city spending this all on cocaine, crack, ecstasy, heroine, meth, etc... I had figured my life had ended and so I tried ending it in a fun, fast way heh... Spent all of that in a month-2 months.

Met my Ex Fiancé while going through withdrawal for a month, she stayed with me and I clung on for dear life...

During the first many months we were together I'd constantly attempted suicide and had died twice, never admitted to any psychiatric facility as I'm great at getting out of such a prison promise...

She cheated on me after a long period in which I was doing far better we decided to become pregnant a couple months before, she left me after I forgave her and what ensued was her and our hundreds of mutual friends verbally harassing me (especially on Father's Day) for two years following

In those two years I'd go a week or a few days before finally sleeping. I'd be found in a comatose state and had been impossible to wake up many times but my family would just leave me be always expecting the worst.

Two years following that I'd stopped double doctoring up on my amphetamines and still I'd sleep every couple of days or every other day the majority of the time until I would run out of Adderall in which case I switched to opiates to invoke enough dopamine release to satiate myself.

Now I have far better control over my Adderall and I sleep every night except for 1-2 nights each month, mind you it takes a load of Klonopin and Herb to get me there but heh it works...

7 months ago I'd stabbed myself in the chest with a Bowie knife (had a random horrible bit of psychosis) I severed my main a artery and had completely destroyed my left lung which had to be reconstructed.

Dead for 4 1/2mins twice and seconds the third time - now I suffer brain damage when trying to talk/write/anything that involves compiling and completing a thought verbally or written.

It's crazy as I'd not attempted suicide since before my ex fiancé and I had decided to get pregnant. This came out of no where and was a fair reminder that I cannot control everything...

Sorry if this is long and drag, I'm verily convinced that so many years of hardly any sleep along with 4 deaths and addiction had severely damaged my ability to feel anywhere near accepted in social/community situations.

Even now I'm lying next to my soon to be ex that has, like so many others, promised to learn and work with me, but nope, they only ever continue to pull the trigger and induce mixed mania... Feeling absolutely hopeless

I have no support system beyond my own mind...

Can't even write anymore like I'd used to absolutely love.

.:|[9]|:L¡ves.:¡n:.|[9]|:L¡35:.