when I was 5 I was called a crybaby all too often. I made a vow that I would NEVER cry again. when I was growing up emotions were a sign of weakness, and were to be exploited by anyone and everyone. at least that is what I was taught. (you're crying? I'll give you something to cry about!) so I cut them out of my soul. other life events reinforced that decision, like going to my girlfriends house at the age of 16 and being introduced to her fiancé.

now at 51 years of age, I think I might have actually killed my inner self because both of my ex-wives have told me "nothing bothers you, it just rolls off your back, no matter how horrendous." "you have no emotions!" 46 years that vow has held. I couldn't even get "misty" when my favorite grandmother died!

the vow I made when I was 5? at 51 I still cant cry no matter how hard I try except for a single incident. I had to "put-down" my favorite cat on Christmas day 2012. (he was suffering horribly and dying, and I could not watch him suffer)

I know I need a good cry, but I can only get "right up to the edge" and never go all the way. no matter the song, or movie, or even Gordon Ramsey! I get to the edge and never past it. even lame commercials do that to me. sometimes I will be staring at my computer screen like a zombie (slack mouth drool etcetera) and that is all it takes to get to that edge, but no further. I know it is a combination of my environmental conditioning, and the vow I made at 5 years old, but that 1 - 2 punch seems unbreakable.

so at 51 I am regretting what I did at 5. and since a vow is a lot stronger than a promise, think first before making one. you do not want to end up like me.